Melrose Jewlers Claim Rolex Helped Save Owen Wilson

By Matt Van Hoven 

In the most serious case of “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me” marketing we’ve ever seen or heard, Melrose Jewlers wrote a post on their Web site claiming that Rolex watches “played a major role in Owen Wilson’s recovery … wearing a Rolex Submariner and attending Rolex Benefits helped Owen Wilson realize his life was valuable and worth living.”

Remember that time Wilson slit his wrists in an alleged attempt to take his own life? Apparently, whoever wrote the post thinks that when you’re at the end of your rope, fancy material goods will bring you back. What?


Another amazing blurb: “Whatever the hawks of the media choose to write, it is clear that Rolex played a major role in Owen Wilson’s recovery. Back in good form, the actor is nothing less than a comic genius in a time when comedy is a necessity. Wearing a Rolex Submariner and attending Rolex Benefits helped Owen Wilson realize his life was valuable and worth living. Once again, the precision and quality of a Rolex proves to be a lifesaver in more ways than one.” is a Web site for the Melrose Jewlers, which claims to be the largest importer of Rolex time pieces in the world. A December 15th post on the site contains the audacious claim, along with a number of photos with Wilson wearing various Rolex pieces.

Here’s a short list of more likely reasons why Wilson wears the time pieces:

A. He’s paid to, by Rolex
B. They were gifts
C. He bought them with his millions of dollars
D. They’re fakes he bought in New York
E. He won them in a bet where if he faked suicide, his friend Matthew McConaughey would give him like, 12 of them.
F. They cover the marks on his arms
G. A magical leprechaun popped out of his ass while he was in the hospital and told him that wearing a Rolex would lead him to the end of the nearest rainbow.
H. He robbed Melrose Jewelers

Any of these options would be more plausible for Wilson’s Rolex preference. There is no way in hot hell that dude slaps one on because it gives him a reason to live. If anything, watches are a reminder of life’s brevity, so we should probably all stop wasting our time and money on useless expensive shit like Rolex time pieces and give up our vapid ways. Where’s my whiskey?

Thanks to the Denver Egotist for sharing this with us. We agree with them that this will be a contender for the dirtiest marketing attempt of the year award. And today is January 7th.

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