First, I’d like to thank the members of the media I credentialed for my post-arraignment for coming. Thanks to precedents set by sports leagues and political events, news must now follow the guidelines set by all its subjects and that really takes the heat off the rest of us. So I appreciate it that all the local news organizations agreed to come here, share one camera, stay 100 yards away, ask only the questions sent in to your website and screened by my lawyers and then pre-answered in my emails. Freedom of the press goes both ways, y’all.
Also, a special thanks to Zynabok running shoes for sponsoring today’s event. When you’re trying to make a run for freedom, think Zynabok!
Before we begin, I need all reporters and photographers to put on your authorized Zynabok shirts, caps, pants, underwear and sneakers. Great. Now on to the… oh… wait, we’ve just added a sponsor. We’re passing around a sticker with the NutriDyet logo. I guess we could all stand to lose a few, eh boys? (Chuckles.) Please affix that to the right side of your caps, but do not cover the Zynabok trademark in the process.
Also, some guidelines here. You agreed, before coming here, to the following terms: you may not report this story for more than 15 seconds during your newscasts. You may not stream any of this on your websites, nor may you use any still photographs nor write about this story online. In fact, any use of any materials from the press conference or any retelling of my story at all is in violation of my site’s intellectual property. And believe me – you don’t want to get me angry. (Audience laughs.)
I’m proud to announce that my site – HowITechnicallyCouldHaveKilledThem.com has just registered its 100,000th subscriber! (Reporters applaud.) At $19.95 a month, that’s one killer app! (Big laughs all around.)
(Reporter raises hand.) I see we have a question in the back from one of the local news outlets. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
OK, here are the pre-approved soundbites you can now use. Ready? I’ll pause between each one. Roll camera.
I’m looking forward to my day in court.
We don’t want this tried in the media or the court of public opinion.
We’re confident that, when the facts are all out, the jury will see the truth.
There was a rush to judgment here. The police only focused on me.
I just want to leave it all out on the courtroom floor.
I’m happy to be here, and I hope I can help the legal team.
OK, and…. stop tape. (A hand is raised) Ah, yes, a question down front from a reporter at How I Technically Could Have Killed Them News. Please – go ahead. (Pauses for question.) An excellent question. You can roll tape again. See – I’m not afraid to answer the hard ones, guys. Glad you asked. I really liked their early stuff up until “Unforgettable Fire,” and then I think they got a little too techno. But lately they seem back on track.
I uh… oh – a follow up? Shoot. (Chuckles.) Bad choice of words. Go ahead. (Listens, lets out whistle.) Hoo boy, another toughie. You boys in the media are out for blood! OK, I’m gonna endorse Obama. Wait – is he soft on crime? (Laughs.)
Any more questions from my web news team? Good. OK, if that’s all there is, I’d like to thank everyone for coming out today. It’s good to see you’re keeping an interest alive in this case and I really appreciate your helping me tell my side of this story. And my side only, if you expect to be back for next Monday’s post-court conference. Please help yourself to the snack table on the way out – but take off those NutriDyet logos before going too heavy on the chips. We don’t want to make our sponsors look bad!
Kindly turn in your reports to my attorney so he can vet them before you file them, and my editors will go over your spelling and grammar. Y’all have a great afternoon. Remember – that’s “y’all” spelled with the apostrophe after the Y, not after the A. You don’t want to look stupid.