With the lights out, she’s less dangerous: Frances Bean in Teen Vogue

franciebean.jpg Frances Bean is no longer a grimy baby being hoisted by her parents at various Lollapalloozas — she’s a pretty seventh-grader whose favorite color is light pink and whose favorite handbag designer is Coach. She also likes baby blue because it brings out her eyes (NB something you can’t see with the lights out). Teen Vogue scores the her first grownup interview but it’s no CosmoGirl; no stories from the grunge trenches or insights into what kind of rough early life the poor girl had. Instead it’s all accessories, brands (favorite jeans: True Religion, favorite designer: Marc Jacobs, just like every thirteen year old!). The only references her infamous parentage to assert her thirteen-year-old individuality: “I don’t want to be titled as Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain’s daughter. I want to be thought of as FRANCES COBAIN” (Um, not entirely likely, especially when your mom is such a nutjob). She does say she prefers her mom decked out a la ALT** rather than grunged and “when she doesn’t brush her hair.” Poor kid. I bet she also doesn’t like it when her mom flashes her breast on the street or splays her legs apart on Comedy Central.

Other Frances tidbits: she tends toward the frilly and feminine (her fashion influences: Ren&#233e Zellweger and Nicole Kidman). Will we be seeing her at the mike anytime soon? Apparently she was Rizzo in a recent school production of “Grease” (and you’ve got to have ‘tude to be Rizzo. To you from me, Pinky Lee!) and she was also in “Fiddler on the Roof,” which kind of cracks me up.

Frances seems like a nice, normal kid (albeit one with expensive tastes). I confess that I’m not much of a Teen Vogue reader but overall, I’d call this a missed opportunity. This is a kid who probably has some insights for readers about hard freaking times in life and remaining grounded despite them. Coach bags are one thing, something with an actual takeaway message is another. Also, it’s a total missed opportunity for musical references. Here are a few rejected headlines for this entry (all, by the way, better than the one I went with):

  • Frances Bean Takes Her Time, Hurries Up
  • Frances Bean Is So Happy, Because Today She Found Her Friends, They’re Tevye and Golde
  • Oh, Make Frances Bean Over (In Light Pink and Frilly Ruffles)
  • France Bean Wants A Cracker
  • Frances Bean Comes As She Is (rejected for obvious reasons)

    For the record, we’ll say it: We like “Celebrity Skin” better than “Nevermind.” We do. Bigger version of graphic after the jump; Teen Vogue on the stands tomorrow.

    *Andr&#233 Leon Talley, philistines