Who Says Newspapers Are Afraid to Be Servicey?

firstdate09.22.08.jpgThe San Francisco Chronicle is just here to help, folks. Last week, it tackled the age old question of picking a first date movie with a solid listicle. After a lede blaming Travis Bickle’s Taxi Driver fate on a first date gone wrong, Peter Hartlaub — first date movie with his wife: Double Jeopardy — launches into the Dos and Dont’s of picking a first date movie.

“The first-date movie may be the single most important decision in any relationship,” he writes. “It sets the mood for the evening and sets the tone for all dates to come. The difference between Bob and Dolores Hope-style marital bliss and a Charlie Sheen-Denise Richards train wreck of a relationship is the difference between Charlie Wilson’s War and Saw IV.”

Under no circumstances would we drag someone to Charlie Wilson’s War and think it would turn out well, but Hartlaub’s advice, including how Paul Giamatti can improve the bedroom action, after the jump.

  • “Pay attention to the running time” as shorter is always better.

  • “Avoid hot actors” because you’ll look bad in comparison. You’ll look bad in comparison anyway, but let her figure that out. (This apparently also works for married couple because “Nothing enlivens the marriage bed like a Paul Giamatti film festival.”)

  • “Some bad movies are OK” as long as they star Matthew McConaughey or Cameron Diaz, not Jessica Alba and Dane Cook. (This would seem to invalidate the previous rule, no?)

  • “Avoid animated films.” That should be a given.