What Marvey Weinstein Might Hear When Mel Gibson Calls To Apologize

“Um, hi, this is Mel Gibson. Can I please speak to Harvey Weinstein? … Mel Gibson, I was in Lethal Weapon … … … Is this Harvey? Yeah, hi Harvey, this is Mel Gibson … Um, yeah, so I can understand why you might think I’m an anti-semitic alcoholic who was using his mediocre-but-celebrated films to thinly mask an ideologically based agenda. I know, I was a putz. You got me there, but I’m really working on it … But the truth is, I really love Jews. I mean, aren’t we all Jews in the end? I mean except for those of us who didn’t kill Jesus and are going to heaven while the rest of you rot in purgatory. But I love you guys. Bagels and lox? Love ’em. Woody Allen? A genius … Basically, Harv, I just want you to come down to Melibu sometime. We’ll a shvitz and nosh and forget about this whole mishegas … Oh, and bring Rob Schneider — I already called him.”