This Cover Letter Will Not Get You A Job(?)

Dear Open Source Staffing & NYC PHP Meetup Group:

I’m super awesome and have incredible experience compared to this – it includes the required experience below plus I am trained in MMA fighting, am the mayor of multiple Chipotles, Starbucks, and locally
famous restaurants in downtown NYC, and I type really fast. You want to hire me more than anything and you’ll be disgusted at how fast and responsive your API is when I’m done.

You’ll have to pay me ridiculous amounts of money but after the job is done you’ll wish you paid me more to stick around because you’ll know whatever company hires me next will destroy yours. It will be worth
it, you’ll feel like I just got ripped off every time you write me a check. Each week you’ll feel worse and worse and increase the amount of money you are paying me until one day you realize there’s no amount
of money that could add up to the value of my insanely awesome skills.

It’s ok, it happens to everyone.

You’re welcome,
David

Deputy editor Nicholas Carlson said that he “sincerely hope[s] [it] was an attempt at humor – and not an attempt to get a job.”

But at least one commenter said he’d definitely “want to talk to a guy with a cover letter like that.” In the startup world, sure. Applying for a writing job at CollegeHumor or Cracked.com, this strategy might also work. It might, however, come across as conceited no matter where you’re applying to. Use with caution.