The Apple Tablet and Me: Richard Nash

richard_nash.jpg

It’s been a sarcastic week for Apple tablet anticipators. Yesterday, Yesterday, prolific eBook tweeters spread made-up tablet rumors. Today, eBookNewser continues its series of short weigh-ins on the fabled, rumored, mythic Apple tablet with a few works from Richard Nash, who invokes the great Tom Waits to express the collective anticipation for the Tablet and all it will do.

Here’s what Richard Nash, former Soft Skull publisher and outspoken member of the publishing community, has to say about the tablet:

“The iSlate/iTablet/iRock will help us sing karaoke better, including, for example, the iconic Tom Waits song, ‘Step Right Up, the Apple Shuffle,’ which goes a little something like this:”

[Adapted from “Step Right Up” by Tom Waits]

The Apple Tablet: It’s the Only Product You’ll ever Need..

…don’t settle for less
how do we do it how do we do it volume volume turn up the volume
now you’ve heard it advertised don’t hesitate
don’t be caught with your drawers down
don’t be caught with your drawers down
you can step right up step right up
that’s right, it filets it chops it dices slices
never stops lasts a lifetime mows your lawn
and it mows your lawn and it picks up the kids from school
it gets rid of unwanted facial hair
it gets rid of embarrassing age spots
it delivers a pizza and it lengthens and it strengthens
and it finds that slipper that’s been at large under the chaise lounge for several weeks
and it plays a mean Rhythm Master
it makes excuses for unwanted lipstick on your collar
and it’s only a dollar step right up it’s only a dollar step right up

’cause it forges your signature
if not completely satisfied mail back unused portion of product
for complete refund of price of purchase
step right up
please allow thirty days for delivery don’t be fooled by cheap imitations
you can live in it live in it laugh in it love in it
swim in it sleep in it
live in it swim in it laugh in it love in it
removes embarrassing stains from contour sheets that’s right
and it entertains visiting relatives it turns a sandwich into a banquet
tired of being the life of the party?
change your shorts change your life change your life
change into a nine-year-old Hindu boy get rid of your wife
and it walks your dog and it doubles on sax
doubles on sax you can jump back Jack see you later alligator
see you later alligator
and it steals your car
it gets rid of your gambling debts it quits smoking
it’s a friend and it’s a companion
and it’s the only product you will ever need
follow these easy assembly instructions it never needs ironing
well it takes weights off hips bust thighs chin midriff
gives you dandruff and it finds you a job it is a job
and it strips the phone company free take ten for five exchange
and it gives you denture breath
and you know it’s a friend and it’s a companion
and it gets rid of your traveler’s checks
it’s new it’s improved it’s old-fashioned
well it takes care of business never needs winding
never needs winding never needs winding
gets rid of blackheads the heartbreak of psoriasis
christ you don’t know the meaning of heartbreak buddy
c’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon
’cause it’s effective it’s defective it creates household odors
it disinfects it sanitizes for your protection
it gives you an erection it wins the election
why put up with painful corns any longer?
it’s a redeemable coupon no obligation no salesman will visit your home
we got a jackpot jackpot jackpot prizes prizes prizes all work guaranteed
how do we do it how do we do it how do we do it how do we do it