STUDY: People Aren’t Getting Self-Handsy During the Holidays

Yesterday, we brought you a story about PS4 and its latest “partner” in providing kids an ultimate gaming experience. And as filthy as I felt writing that thing, would you believe I found more?

Although I had to filter for images and stories with extreme heedfulness, would you believe the people that brought you free videos of BBWs doing the Harlem Shake on an actual Globetrotter have a real study out?!

Get this: According to the Pornhub “study,” no one is stuffing their turkey, yanking their mistletoe or putting a cornucopia on their Yuletide log during the holidays, if you know what I mean.

Hey, this is real news, flacks. I just report it!

Look at the image (the only SFW one I could find…thank you, Gawker). That is the overall decrease in spanking a monkey during times of joy and reflection like Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter.

That’s right. Nothing helps the prevention of self-discovery more than the holidays. For instance:

  • On Christmas Eve, worldwide porn watching was down in every country, for an average decline of 22 percent, except for in Japan, where numbers held steady. However, on Christmas Day, porn viewing was also down 22 percent on average, except, again, for Japan, where porn viewing actually increased by eight percent. (Morale of the story: The Japanese are going to hell and getting a bunch of coal from Santa.)
  • On Easter, the world celebrates Jesus’ rising but let the fantasies of other bunnies go for a day, as seen by the 16 percent decrease in U.S. porn watching.
  • Thanksgiving Day saw a 29 percent drop in American porn hubbing. See? Even horny teenagers can’t overcome a healthy dose of tryptophan. Same thing for Independence Day.
  • But the biggest holiday-related porn drop-off occurred on New Year’s Eve, when average porn viewing was down across the globe by an average of 28 percent. And why? Too drunk to hit “enter” on the keyboard.

However, my favorite slide in this entire valuable study was the effect of Osama bin Laden’s death, after which porn viewing dropped by a whopping 7 percent. That’s right: folks in the land of the free and the home of the brave were too busy saluting ‘Merica to wave their own poles.

Okay, I’m done with the euphemisms. Back to your regularly scheduled programming.