STUDY: How Much Money Would Santa Claus Make?

How much would this guy earn? Here’s a hint: Lo-Lo-Lo

This economy sucks. First, layaway shoppers have to stress about getting their kids’ gifts in time, unless the appropriately dubbed “Layaway Santa” shows up on his Mercedes sleigh. The price of gas is still north of $3 a gallon promising to never return to pre-apocalypse affordable rates. And now, thanks to this comprehensive study we read in CNBC, Santa is straight-up getting hosed on his salary at the North Pole!

Before the jump: Parents, you’re welcome. Now you have an out why little Johnny didn’t get that ridiculously priced XBOX ONE. Because Santa can’t afford the damn gas. had nothing better to do during the holidays, what with all those Black Friday lawsuits and such, so they sat down to determine what the jolly old fat man would make on today’s job market. The researchers compared pay grades for similar careers someone of Santa’s skill set would bring: “manufacturing executive (Santa’s workshop), investigator (knows if you’ve been good or bad) and pilot” to other positions listed by the Bureau of Labor Statistics.

Santa Claus would earn close to $138,000. Yes, kids. According to FOX News, it’s because of all those illegal migrant elves in the North Pole taking up all the free labor in the workshop.

Seriously? No offense to all the USPS, FedEx and UPS hard workers belaboring these holidays delivering Christmas presents (well, not these schmucks), but Santa deserves a little more than a delivery driver.

  • What about elf management? That’s some serious attitude for that CEO to deal with up there. “Napoleon Syndrome?” Hello?!
  • Did I see pilot? You try flying a wooden sleigh with reindeer. And one of them has a serious cold all the time. Not cool.
  • Speaking of: Reindeer Whisperer, anyone? Does TLC or Animal Planet have a reality show on that yet?!
  • How much do those dudes in NASCAR make? They can’t hold Santa’s jock. This guy has to do all the world’s bidding in under 12 hours. That’s fast.
  • Not to mention, the guy is a CEO of a global corporation. You think the Grand Poobahs for Walmart, Exxon or that Microsoft character makes that little? Child, please.

The story goes on to tell us an equally-as-bananas answer for St. Nick’s wallet. More than 27 percent of people surveyed believe Santa should earn about $1.8 billion — that’s $1 for every child under the age of 15 in the world. And then, some 33 percent of doltish Scrooges believe Santa should make nothing. Nice.

“The disparity between the two most popular answers reveals that Santa’s salary is a controversial topic,” said Amy Danise, editorial director of “Many people have come to expect free delivery, even in this cold economy.”

The moral of the story, kids: Forget the milk and cookies. Santa needs a raise! Hook a portly brother up this Christmas.