Scooter? Ew, I’d rather not.

Ew. In addition to being a perjurous justice-obstructing war-mongering Cheney-loving Plame-smearing guy named for a Muppet, apparently I. Lewis Scooter Libby is also kinda skeevy. In addition to trying to cajole Maureen Dowd to do tequila shots with him at the 2003 White House Correspondent’s Dinner after-party (let’s face it, people, today Maureen Dowd IS the news), apparently Scooter has a fairly spicy novel to his credit.

The Apprentice,” Libby’s 1996 story of Setsuo, a young virgin apprentice at a remote mountain inn in early 20th-century Japan not only tells the story of his romantic awakening by the beautiful Yukiko, but according to the New Yorker‘s Lauren Collins, also contains salacious details of coupling, quivering, and deliberating on whether to have sex with a deer (Collins: “the answer, dear reader, is yes.”)

The above, by the way, refers to a different animal than this passage:

At age 10 the madam put the child in a cage with a bear trained to couple with young girls so the girls would be frigid and not fall in love with their patrons. They fed her through the bars and aroused the bear with a stick when it seemed to lose interest.

No way, I thought they only did that in Canada! Just kidding. We’re totally encouraged to fall in love with our patrons.

The bottom line: Scooter makes falafels and loofahs look positively pristine. Also, Lauren Collins is my new favorite writer. HILARIOUS.

p.s. Customers who bought this book also bought “The Politics of Truth: Inside the Lies that Led to War and Betrayed My Wife’s CIA Identity: A Diplomat’s Memoir” by Joseph Wilson. No joke.

Scooter’s Sex Shocker [New Yorker]