Report from Sacramento: Elector Set

Our erstwhile correspondent from Sacramento, cleverly nicknamed “SAC” for your convenience, ruminates on the California election and claims to be aroused by a trio of fetching media lasses while making a point of including two gratuitous shirtless pictures of Arnold Schwarzenegger. We report, you decide. We also have it on the highest authority that he can rewire a garage with the best of ’em. Yes, in Sacramento they have garages. Consider how that compares to your windowless studio apartment while enjoying a little SAC-on-Sac action below. Vamanos!

It’s true what they say about the liberal media. It’s, uh, totally liberal, and its effect is finally being felt over here in California. In yesterday’s pretend election, 98% of registered Republican voters forgot to show up to vote, allowing all four (4) of the propositions favored by former actor Arnold Schwarzenegger to be shot down by the hippies who accidentally stumbled into voting booths on their way to the drum circle. This represents the Republican body-builder’s biggest defeat since Linda Hamilton kicked his ass in that one movie where he played a robot (big stretch), and it was entirely orchestrated by the New York (fucking) Times. How are California Republicans expected to get into their Hummers and drive two blocks to the nearest polling stations, let alone their shiftless, Prius-driving Democratic counterparts, when the imbroglio between Judith Miller and Maureen Dowd is going on? Throw Arianna Huffington into the mix and you have a writhing mass of media elites that is impossible to look away from. I am, in a word, aroused.

Mismatched furniture, vampiric media mavens and men in tights after the jump. You are, in a word, aroused.

To illustrate our total immersion into this East Coast, Ivy Tower (you can use that one) brouhaha, I give you the transcript of this morning’s conversation with the guys who delivered our new couch. (Let me state up front that I record ALL my conversations, even the one I’m having right now with you, the reader):

Me: Yeah, just put it over there by the fireplace.

Delivery Guy: Right here?

Me: Yeah cool.

Delivery Guy: Alright, have a good one.

Me: Wait a sec. The bottom pieces don’t match. Check it out, they’re different colors.

Delivery Guy: You’ll have to call the store about that, I just deliver.

Me: Fuck.

You should’ve been there, the political tension in that exchange was so thick you could have cut it with a knife. And it would have felt so right.

While it may be true that I haven’t yet read Dowd’s controversial editorial regarding Judith Miller that started the recent Dowd/Miller/Huffington media blitz; and while it also may be true that the chances of me EVER reading it are slim as the massive per diem I get from Mediabistro is spent on cockfights and not on a TimesSelect account, I can say with all confidence that Dowd and rising blogstar Arianna Huffington ARE THE SAME PERSON!! Exclusive!! I can’t believe Drudge isn’t already on this. Also, I don’t know how this Dowd/Huffington hybrid (Duffington?) has the time to both blog for HuffPo and write a book questioning the need for the male human. It’s obvious that this woman HAS CONQUERED THE NEED FOR SLEEP!! The exclusives around here do not stop.

We all should have seen it a mile away. That accent of Huffington’s, no way is it real. It’s worse than Kevin Costner‘s in Robin Hood. Also, she casts no shadows! It’s true, check out this pic. See a shadow? Didn’t think so. Come to think of it, Lloyd Grove isn’t casting a shadow in there either! Holy shit, neither is Jacob Weisberg! My God. This is bigger than I thought. The media elite is comprised entirely of the undead. No wait, we already knew that.

So you see, because of this dog and pony show being put on by the liberal media, we here in California are finding it impossible to concentrate long enough to support our Body Builder-in-Chief and vote for his ill-conceived propositions. Thank God for that.