Project Fishbowl: The Hill’s 50 Most Beautiful

The Hill has released it’s annual “50 Most Beautiful People” list. It’s a doozy and we at Fishbowl just couldn’t contain ourselves. With this, we also begin a new feature called “Project Fishbowl” in which we take photographs and anything else we find worthy of analyzing and put it through severe scrutiny. Kind of like TV’s “Project Runway”, but with a fishy twist. In the future we will have guests, but for today, we begin with just us girls running the show.

#1 Max Engling, staff assistant for the House Administration Committee:

Peter: It’s nice to see that “Joseph Gordon-Levitt from the Wrong Side of the Tracks” can afford a sharkskin suit.

Eddie: Engling worked as a model before beginning his career in politics in 2011. Modeling left him feeling like his time “wasn’t necessarily going to a good cause.” Which begs the question: How much more fulfilling can Engling’s life be as a staff assistant on the Hill?

Piranhamous: I can’t help but notice the wind that is blowing his leather tie but ain’t moving his hair. Moderation on the gel, dude. Crunchy.

Betsy: If Leonardo DiCaprio had a less attractive twin brother in a boy band, his name would be Max Engling.

#2 Carolyn Amirpashaie, special assistant to Rep. Randy Forbes (R-Va.):

Eddie: “Special assistant”?

Piranhamous: Obnoxious quote: “'[My parents] pushed my sister and me to be our own people and do what we wanted,’ she says.” Are there parent s who push their kids to be someone else? ‘Honey, we’ve decided we want you to be your cousin Betty.’ P.S. if someone compares you to a Kardashian you shouldn’t take it it as a compliment. EVER.

Betsy: Is The Hill so hard up they can’t afford SOME manner of shine powder?!

#3 Kristen Callaway, legislative assistant to Rep. Steve Southerland (R-Fla.):

Peter: Looks like someone went rogue with a bedazzler.

Eddie: Phrase Callaway has never heard: “Your neck is too short.”

Piranhamous: I first thought this was Tara Reid, then I saw her arms were crossed and realized she was “for serious!”

Betsy: Looks like Kristen is hiding The Daily Caller‘s Matthew Boyle’s nuts in her cheeks.

#7 Alyssa Dack, Rep. Mike McIntyre’s (D-N.C.) outreach coordinator:

Peter: On the left, we have comedy; on the right, we have tragedy. Life’s drama plays out on the hot list.

Eddie: In her profile, Dack says her hometown of Asheville, N.C., is responsible for her independence. “It’s all about being who you are,” she said, “if you don’t, you stick out like a sore thumb.” Asheville: Only city in America where you somehow manage to stick out by being like everyone else.

Piranhamous: Pro-tip: If you want to be taken seriously do not wear a dress short enough to require two hairdos to work. Have people learned nothing from all those pictures of Briney Spears getting out of cars?

Betsy: Alyssa on the left: Please stop smiling.

#8 Samantha Dezur, Education Finance Council’s vice president of communications:

Eddie: Hard to believe Dezur actually cares about style. She’s a self-described libertarian.

Piranhamous: She’s referred to as a “reality television star” because she “starred in the Style Network’s show “Running in Heels.” Oh, how society has lowered the bar of what constitutes someone being a “star.” It’s like saying, “My YouTube video has 138 views, I’m thinking of going on tour.”

Betsy: Pearls inspired by Bloomberg‘s Stephanie Green.

 

#9 Leslie Rath, scheduler for Rep. Paul Gosar (R-Ariz.):

Peter: She looks like a photo negative of Morticia Addams.

Eddie: That’s where my grandmother’s favorite doily curtains went!