Project Fishbowl: The Hill’s 50 Beauties

This morning we enter Project Fishbowl to closely examine The Hill’s 10th Anniversary “50 Most Beautiful People List.” This year saw a few changes as they allowed White House Administration people to enter the fray in addition to political types on Capitol Hill and K Street. There’s also a dandy new layout that allows for easy viewing and flipping through the winners. Here we offer our raw reviews of the beauties – FishbowlDC style. Warning: To the easily offended (you know who you are) you might want to skip this because we won’t apologize.

In no particular order… let’s begin.

Piranhamous:  Very sexy in that ‘lock you in his basement’ kind of way.  Too soon?

Peter: I think I recognize this guy from my grandma’s “Shop Teachers of the Mid-Atlantic” calendar she had in 1984.

Anonymous journo: So, the West Wing was allowed on this year’s list. But who said anything about daytime TV shrinks?

Justin: Right out of GQ, obviously.

Betsy: Bald and plump with a “Magnum, P.I.” stache. Literally doesn’t get any better than this.

Piranhamous:  Caught on Camera!  Stephanie Green’s pearls attack curling-iron-haired cutie!!!

Peter: That necklace is made of human teeth.

Anonymous journo: Glad she listened to the flight attendant and fastened her seat belt.

Justin: The necklace scares me a bit—or a lot. But I love the smile.

Betsy: How many “cuties” can one list have? Please, STOP the usage of that word. Serious question: Can a necklace self-strangle a human being?

Piranhamous: Jai from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy proves there is life after reality TV.

Peter: They let Billy Elliot on the list! His face screams, “Bro, do you even pirouette?”

Anonymous journo: Oretga’s face never moves. Even during his daily Capitol Hill parkour workouts (involves jumping off balconies and buildings).

Justin: But did he stick the landing? I can’t pass judgment without this vital piece of information.

Betsy: Who let Pee Wee Herman on the list? Is that even appropriate?

Piranhamous: I loved his rendition of the National Anthem at the NBA Finals.

Peter: “And Emmanuel Lewis as Webster…”

Anonymous journo: Where’s the yearbook quote?

Justin: Just… no. Our society already exploits children way too much, I won’t be a part of it.

Betsy: Has someone called Child Protective Services or checked the milk cartons? This can’t be legal.

Piranhamous: Casual staircase.

Peter: I’ve been instructed not to touch this one.

Anonymous journo: “The doctor is in”? Okay, but only if she’s wearing a glove.

Justin: Dermatologist, right? That is some porcelain skin.

Betsy: I wonder what kind of moisturizer she uses.

Piranhamous: “If you like this pic, you ought to see what I DM’d last night.”

Peter: Jeff Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High has aged very well.

Anonymous journo: It’s almost a surprise that Flake came in at No. 1. But the shock factor wears off once you have a look at the rest of the list.

Justin: He’s wearing a shirt? Who is in charge of this list?

Betsy: A poor man’s Matthew McConaughey. But OK, we get it. A little.

Piranhamous: Two words of advice: Blowout Bar

Anonymous journo: Dazzling. The control boards, that is.

Justin: Not many women could pull off that top, bravo.

Betsy: Not bad. A decent way to kiss Jay Carney’s ass.

Piranhamous: Women want him, men want to be him.  Okay, okay…  Women want him, gay men want him, men want to be him.

Peter: I’m only writing this negative comment to see if Tapper will fight me about it on Twitter.

Anonymous journo: Tapper is a good looking guy, but he should consider Chapstick instead of whatever chalk he’s using as lip balm.

Justin: Per CNN PR, I’m not allowed to say anything until I’ve run it by CNN PR.

Betsy: The HOT Lead.

Piranhamous: Marsha! Marsha! Marsha!

Peter: She’s cute. Nice dress. Nice hair. Nice knees.

Anonymous journo: Hem up the dress just a tad.

Betsy: She’s pretty, a natural beauty, Laura Ingraham’s evil spawn, and should not have been shoved down into the bowels of this list.

Piranhamous: I just love those Dove commercials.

Peter: Rapunzel! Rapunzel! Let down your hair!

Anonymous journo: Can’t quite put my finger on it. And I’d rather not.

Justin: Confidence is sexy.

Betsy: The bright side? Weight Watchers has a new spokeswoman.

Piranhamous: RuPaul isn’t aging well.

Peter: If Steven Seagal was a black woman, he’d wear some shit like this.

Anonymous journo: Fierce. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Justin: I must have that hat for my collection.

Betsy: I know for a fact there’s an unspoken quota of lawmakers on the list. But this is an abomination of power. My prediction: Her flower will one day rise up and eat her.

Piranhamous: Ah yes!  Pip the Capitol chimney sweep – everyone’s wet dream.

Peter: If Tucker Carlson and Steve Doocy had a baby, he would look like this Poindexter.

Anonymous journo: What a nice, young, consenting-looking young man.

Justin: Wait, what are we doing? I’ve been lost in his eyes for like the last half-hour.

Betsy: I actually love this guy. He looks like a lost doe who accidentally wandered into their photo shoot. Please don’t hurt him.

Piranhamous: Boiled, baked, poached or fried – I’m eating whatever Sam’s serving.

Peter: He looks like a supervillain out of his costume.

Justin: Does every guy in D.C. own that tie? Time for a moratorium. That aside, I think bald is really working for Sam.

Betsy: Another CUTIE? Did they run out of words? Regardless, Kass is a catch.

Piranhamous: Too easy.

Peter: I could travel around the world twice using those bags under his eyes. Get some sleep. And some Kiehl’s eye recovery.

Anonymous journo: Finally. A smile that doesn’t look like it was activated by gunpoint.

Justin: If he’d add a shaved head, I could see a young Patrick Stewart here.

Betsy: Unsolved mystery: Where are his lips? Did they dissolve into his schnoz?

Piranhamous: Behind a beautiful face, beneath a dangerous smile, lies a rage that can’t be stopped. The hand that rocks the cradle…is the hand that rules the world.

Peter: That bigass turquoise chain is the only thing keeping her from being blown away by a strong wind.

Anonymous journo: Pageant mom in the making.

Justin: The last time my teeth were that white was… never.

Betsy: It’s Capitol Hill Barbie! Every list must have one.

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