Pope Benedict Resigns, Concedes Twitter Defeat to Justin Bieber

Pope Benedict XVI

Pope Benedict XVIWe’d like to take a moment this Monday morning to weigh in on the story that’s dominated everyone’s news feed: Pope Benedict XVI, the man who showed the world that the old school still rules new media by winning Twitter without sending a single message, announced his plans to resign effective February 28th.

Why is everyone freaking out? Well, he’s the first Pope to step down on his own accord in six centuries, citing his “advanced age” and the limitations of this mortal coil. He has also effectively declared Justin Bieber the once and future king of Twitter after giving him a serious run for his money.

The obvious questions: Who will replace him (the gambling has already begun)? More importantly, what will happen to his Twitter feed, his 1.5 million followers and his bland messages about God’s endless love?

We’d like to mourn the tweets that will never be: How will we know whether Benedict will ever grow comfortable with the modern world? Will he ever decide that the Catholic church just needs to accept same-sex marriage and get over it? Does he agree with our assessment of Netflix‘s House of Cards as “Just OK–kind of like Homeland without the terrorists or The Wire without the drug dealers?” We demand validation!

At any rate, we hope Benedict enjoys life out of the social media spotlight–and that he finally gets revenge on that demonic seagull.