Pete Wells Absolutely Destroys Guy Fieri’s Times Square Restaurant

In his review of Guy Fieri’s American Kitchen & Bar in Times Square, Pete Wells — restaurant critic for The New York Times — has quite a few questions for the Food Network star. And none of them are nice. In fact, Wells’ entire review is a series of questions that absolutely rip apart every aspect of the restaurant.

Look, we don’t expect a place with Fieri’s name on it to be good. His entire career is based on being this weird “every dude,” which in turn makes him no dude. Fieri is a caricature of what corporate America imagines a “cool guy” is. It’s pretty easy to make fun of him. But even we felt bad for Fieri after reading Wells’ review.

Below are some of our favorite observations by Wells.

When you hung that sign by the entrance that says, WELCOME TO FLAVOR TOWN!, were you just messing with our heads?

We imagine that answer is probably “Yes.”

Hey, did you try that blue drink, the one that glows like nuclear waste? The watermelon margarita? Any idea why it tastes like some combination of radiator fluid and formaldehyde?

Hopefully it’s not a family recipe.

How did nachos, one of the hardest dishes in the American canon to mess up, turn out so deeply unlovable? Why augment tortilla chips with fried lasagna noodles that taste like nothing except oil?

Oh damn, Fieri messes up nachos? That’s so un-dude like!

Is the entire restaurant a very expensive piece of conceptual art? Is the shapeless, structureless baked alaska that droops and slumps and collapses while you eat it, or don’t eat it, supposed to be a representation in sugar and eggs of the experience of going insane?

Is this how you roll in Flavor Town?

Yes. Yes it is.