Paris Hilton’s ex-pal shows restraint with his restraining order

We meant to address this celebutante newsflash yesterday, but were so flummoxed, we failed to marshal the sufficient elocution required to comment.

It’s the variables in distance that were initially confusing to us: Paris Hilton must legally stay away from party promoter Brian Quintana at distance of no less than 100 yards, but that may be shortened to 25 feet when they’re at the same party. How on earth will they keep track of all this court-mandated circumscription in the context of cocktails? referee.jpg

But then, a light went off, and we finally understand why celebrities carry such large retinues of flunkies: Someone‘s got to hold the measuring tape.

“It looks like Paris is going for the shrimp cocktail, Jim.”

“She’s wide open, and…wait! There’s a flag on the play, Bill.”

“It looks like she may have been off-sides with respect to Quintana!”

“Let’s listen to the ref…’Offsides! Less than 25 feet from Brian at the carving station. Penalty declined; ten mojitos!‘”