On the Beach

In her LAT column today, Pat Morrison ventures to David Geffen’s Malibu compound, where a court-mandated walkway to the beach is set to open this weekend:

After lounging for a while in my fabulous parking spot on Monday, I strolled to Geffen’s place and spoke to a man laboring on the roof alongside a closed-circuit security camera: Was this the walkway about to be opened to the beach?

He looked down. “You realize,” he growled, “that this is still private property?”

That’s pretty impressive worker-mogul solidarity. In contrast, one of the guys who were just in my apartment to fix my cable stepped on my cat. Anyway, Morrison has an intriguing suggestion about how Geffen could maintain his privacy:

Tell the public the truth. You and I know why so many houses right on the beach have swimming pools: Because that lovely ocean water is a foul chemical and biological sump. Malibu, City of Septic Tanks, sometimes leaks into the ocean. And a few Malibutians have even been caught piping their crud directly into the sea.

Embrace another landmark California initiative, Proposition 65, the 1986 toxics-alert measure. Take down those “No Trespassing” signs and put up notices listing the ingredients in that noxious Pacific stew. Motor oil. Cooking oil. Fabric softener. Bug killer. Dirty-diaper bacteria. No one will want to get anywhere near it.