Now or Never: Dramatic Name for a Dumb Debate

Well, the last debate of the Mayoral campaign is over, and what have we learned?

1.) WUSA’s Bruce Johnson was woefully unprepared for the abject barbarism and lack of manners that awaited him.
2.) Jack Evans is the “white” candidate in the race.
3.) Vince Gray is, in fact, a living thing.
4.) How many people you have managed/ how big an organization you have run is the only criteria that really matters for being Mayor. That, and whether or not you have an elaborate shadow campaign to support you.

Check out the whole minute by minute recap below!

WUSA 9’s “Now or Never” DC Mayoral Democratic Primary Debate, 7 – 8 PM

7:06 – Wells announces “endorsement swell.” Lots of endorsements recently. This will win the race for him, absolutely. Evans notes that he won the only endorsement that actually matters: His mommy. No, actually, it was The Northwest Current. Actually, neither of those endorsements matter.

7:08 – Gray: Shuttup Bruce! I did nothing with Jeff Thompson in that room! Stop talking about the room!

7:10 – Wells: This whole shadow campaign scandal has cost DC $1 billion, according to me!

7:12 – Evans: “You don’t get to interrupt me, Muriel!” Also, Vince gray looks dead, literally dead.

7:13 –  Bruce Johnson has officially lost control of this debate. Evans is yelling at Muriel and Tommy that they’re not qualified to be Mayor. Wells is sputtering something about charter schools. Lots of shouting…

7:15 – Now someone is using a Sharpie marker to emphatically circle things. I can hear it squeaking. I’m guessing it’s Tommy. He would bring markers to a debate. Oh, now we’re cutting to a crazy old drunk man/somebody’s lawyer.

7:17 – Evans is really gunning for Bowser. Clearly he thinks she’s the front runner.

7:19 – Gray looks like a dead, dead fish.

7:20 – Oh awesome. Now we’re talking about race relations. That’ll probably go well!

7:22 – Cutting to another old drunk man! WTF? Oh, that’s Marion Barry..

7:26 – Jack Evans declares himself the “white candidate” in the race. Because Tommy Wells is translucent?

7:27 – Now they are cutting away to some man-on-the-street questions. More crazy drunk men maybe??? Nope, just sensible ladies and dudes. And now we’re on to gentrification. This debate is great! Let’s do abortion next!

7:29 – So. Much. Cross. Talk.

7:31 – Ah, merciful heavens, a break! Time for popcorn.

7:36 – Damn, we’re late. Oh never mind, it’s just more cross talk…

7:38 – Wait, are we talking about putting homeless people in hotel rooms? Is there some program that does that? Can I do that?

7:39 – Vince Gray kinda looks like Scar from The Lion King

7:41 – “You gotta keep Kaya…!!!!” (dissolves into shouting)  – Is this Maury?

7:42 – Bruce is just about done with the whole lot of you angry, loud motherf@$%#*s.

7:51 – Muriel Bowser might support Tommy Wells or Andy Shallal. Tommy Wells hates all the other candidates and hopes they die.

7:53 – Now Wells has provoked a pissing contest over who has run larger organizations. Congratulations, Tommy. This will last until the end of the debate.

7:54 – The only legitimately smartish thing said tonight: Muriel Bowser on whether Jack Evans has ever run an organization before. “Jack has run from the Wilson Building to Patton Boggs.”

Ha! Dumb ole, rich Jack Evans…

7:55 – Bowser: I don’t connect with other women because women are more judgmental of  other women. Right, just like with Hillary Clinton.

7:56 – And the whole thing dissolves into garbled babbling about who has managed more people than who until, like a curtain falling to conceal a collapsing set, Bruce calls it.  He thanks the folks at home, and brings it to a swift and merciful end.