North Korean Archaeologists Re-Discover Ancient Unicorn’s Lair

Before we leave for the weekend we feel an obligation to share what is, without even the slightest doubt, the very best press release of the week (if not the year).

This one comes to us from the tragically, hilariously misnamed Democratic People’s Republic of Korea and its news agency, KCNA (don’t even bother clicking on the link if you want to retain your sanity).

According to the amazing release we’ve captured via screenshot below, archaeologists representing the DPRK and its Very Important History Institute “have recently reconfirmed a lair of the unicorn rode by King Tongmyong, founder of the Koguryo Kingdom (B.C. 277-A.D. 668).” Note the use of the word “reconfirmed”–it was there all along, but they just had to make sure.

Does it get better? Oh yes.

“A rectangular rock carved with words “Unicorn Lair” stands in front of the lair”, whose magical one-horned resident was “considered to be ridden by King Tongmyong” (again, he’s the founder of the Koguryo Kingdom).

Of course, there is a political point to this crazy fantasy: The fact that these archaeologists (who totally didn’t have an agenda, come on you guys) re-discovered the ancient lair–which was located on top of the mountain that hid the King’s Yongmyong Temple–proves that DPRK’s Pyongyang was and will always remain the true capital of Korea in ancient times and forevermore. Suck it, Seoul!

So, to recap: Not only is Kim Jong-un the “sexiest man alive“, he now reigns over a kingdom that is unquestionably the “real” Korea–a land that once played home to that most mythical of creatures, the brave and majestic unicorn (or the Qilin if you want to get technical about it, thanks to The Atlantic Wire).

Where have the unicorns gone? North to Pyongyang! Case closed!