Newspapers Get Worst News Ever: Now They Cause Allergies

ah choo

I should have majored in computer science.

For decades, newspaper publishers and media giants alike have seen the erosion of its medium widdle into a blob of ink. You know, like Jello, only not as appetizing.

Many of these beleaguered brands have tried to grow with the times (e.g., San Francisco Chronicle, The Dallas Morning News, The New York Times, Chicago Tribune), and for that, PR peeps and consumers alike have responded well.

However, this latest news to come out Baltimore just may be the death knell for the entire industry. What could be so tragic? What is so heinous? There is now a real allergy to newspaper ink. Oh yeah, it’s real.

michael dresserMeet Michael Dresser, a reporter with the Baltimore Sun who covers state politics in Annapolis.

Apparently, he was in his cubicle one day, stressed by a recent deadline or something, and shouted, “This job is killing me.” Everyone hears that and assumes, “Oh, that Michael. Suck it up.” Only the single thing he was sucking up was snot. You see, Michael Dresser announced to his cronies at the Sun that he is allergic to pine resin — a major component of newspaper ink.

As reported by the great Jim Romensko, Dresser took out a column in the Sun to inform his readers of the overwhelming irony of his newest ailment:

The next time you see me in the newsroom, you may see me wearing the type of rubber gloves used by a doctor or a crime scene technician. Don’t worry, I won’t be administering any uncomfortable examinations or looking for blood spatter. It’s just that I found out this week after nearly 38 years at The Sun that I am allergic to newspaper ink.

Seriously. Any sympathy is appreciated, but feel free to laugh. The irony is not lost on me.

Get that? 38 years! First off, a large round of applause for Dresser being in this business that long. Few are his equal. Second, can you see Dresser going from cube to cube to get his articles edited walking around the newsroom like he is on CSI about to crack a case?

Lastly, this is my hero. What a sweet reason to call in sick to work!