MD Dems Vie For Gov Nod in First Debate of 2014

If the Democratic nominees for Governor in the Great State of Maryland are having a debate, you can bet FishbowlDC will be there to give  you the minute-by-minute recap. Here are all the scintillating details from tonight’s political ménage à trois in College Park featuring Maryland Attorney General Doug Gansler, Lieutenant Governor Anthony Brown, and Delegate to the Maryland House Heather Mizeur.

The evening was moderated by THE David Gregory, Chris Gordon and Chris Lawrence from NBC 4, and Jenna Johnson from WaPo; and it aired on NBC 4 in Washington and other NBC affiliates throughout Maryland. Now, without futher ado…The Very First Maryland Democratic Gubernatorial Debate of 2014:

7:02 – Woo Hoo! The most exciting debate everrrrrrrrrr! David Gregory you look so sexy! We can’t wait to hear about Maryland Democratic Candidates for Governor!!!!

7:03 – My God, this Gansler man is boring.

7:06 – Woah, Mizeur is coming out of the gate strong with an impassioned retelling of her childhood memories of The Factory. And WTF, she was on a picket line as a baby? Also she came out of the womb clutching a union card…

7:08 – Anthony Brown also leading with a compelling Origin Story -this one involving Jamaica. Nice touch.

7:10 –Gansler is holding Brown personally responsible for the MD health exchange implosion. Brown is all like, “Shuttup!” I’m holding them both responsible for arguing like children so early in the debate. Minus 1 point each!

7:15 –Man, legalized weed sounds like the best thing ever. It makes everyone rich with tax money and makes the cancer children feel good. Also Blacks will stop going to jail so much and Whites will start chilling the f–k out. Things won’t change that much for Latinos and Asians.

7:19 –According to Heather Mizeur, laws against marijuana use actually lead to kids using more marijuana. I’ve always felt this was true -glad to see there’s now some anecdotal evidence to prove it once and for all.

7:23 –Fun facts about Maryland from your Attorney General: Maryland is the 9th most violent state in the union! Baltimore is the 7th most violent city in the country! And Maryland has the 4th most murders of any state! -Apparently Gansler is dropping his previous strategy of boring voters to death in exchange for one where he makes them feel real s—ty about where they live and also afraid to leave their houses.

7:28 –Talk about a leading question: “You guys all pretty much suck: Gansler, you let your kids get drunk at parties; Brown you’re kind of a dick; and lady, where the Hell did you come from? How do you respond to voters who may think you’re all a bunch of assholes and that none of you deserves to be Governor?” – Chris #1 from NBC 4 (lightly edited for clarity).

7:30 –Gansler, we get it! You’re Attorney General. You put people in jail. You gonna name-check every single perp you put away??

7:33 –Gansler: “Yeah, I let my kid drink, but hey, I also banned caffeinated, alcoholic beverages like Sparks.” So you’re a cool dad, but also THE WORST DAD EVER.

7:36 –Hey Anthony, maybe you wanna back off on criticizing Doug’s parenting skills. The man really has no control over whether his kids get drunk  -they’re gunna do it no matter what. Your kids will too. In fact we should all just resign ourselves to a future where toddlers rebel against their parents by blowing lines of powdered alcohol off the balancing beam in the playground. And there’s nothing anyone can do about it.

7:41 –So glad everyone is in agreement that the football team from not your state should change its name. Moving on!

7:45 –Mizeur seems to be the winner of this debate, according to the Twitters I’m seeing. Apparently she was real good at not being a prick to the other guys and instead focusing on her policy agenda. Weird…

7:47 –Lt. Governor Anthony Brown just wins the Most Histrionic Windbag of the Evening Prize with this impassioned cry!: “The Gansler corporate tax plan is a moral stain that will become an indelible blemish on our state if he becomes Governor!”

7:50 –Another awesome question from one of the NBC 4 Chrises: “So guys, if you think about it, hasn’t O’Malley really sorta done everything already? I mean, gay marriage, marijuana, healthcare, the minimum wage. What else is there to do really?”

7:54 –Fascinating. It seems all these Democratic nominees for Governor in Maryland want to help poor people…

7:55 –Mizeur makes a blatant appeal to women: “Also, women! Do I really even need to say it? Look at these penis-having men! How could they possibly understand your needs? Vote for me -The Woman!” (Again, lightly edited.)

7:57 –Doug Gansler just tweeted this utterly banal tweet while also delivering his closing statement on the teevee -impressive…: “All the families I’ve met around Maryland motivate me. #MdDemDebate.”

8:00 –Yay it’s over! Way to go David Gregory, we did it! Wait, what? Oh, right…yeah I’m totally going to watch your post-debate Google Hangout thing…