Mass Appeal Rapper Columnist Misses Deadline

mass_appeal_trick_fbny.jpgMass Appeal — the New York-based magazine whose founder, Patrick Elasik, was electrocuted in 2005 while attempting to cross subway tracks in New York — had been running a regular column by R.A. the Rugged Man, a Suffolk County-based rapper. He missed a deadline by two weeks and then stopped returning associate editor Jay Riggio‘s phone calls. Riggio eventually tracked R.A down on Thanksgiving Day at his family’s home. On the phone, things were a tad, uh, contentious between R.A. and his editor.

“Since R.A. declined to give us a column, we decided to transcribe the shitty conversation I had with him and publish it,” Riggio explained. The following should serve as a cautionary tale to you deadline-conscious magazine editors out there who are thinking about employing celebrity rappers as columnists:

R.A., we need your article now. The deadline was two weeks ago.

I told you I don’t have time for this shit. I’m making a movie right now and I’m getting ready to go into production and everything is a fucking mess. Plus it’s Thanksgiving, what the fuck are you calling me for? Who gave you this number? You got no respect, I should punch you in your fucking face. I’m here with my family. My father says I suck at writing and wants to know what you clowns want from me.

What’s this movie you’re working on?

Frank Henenlotter is directing and I’m producing. I don’t wanna talk about it too much, I wanna save it for when it’s completed and ready to sell.

So what does a film producer actually do?

I do everything. No one else does shit. That’s what a producer does. Kinda like how I hold your fucking magazine together with my articles. The rest of you mo’fuckers ain’t worth shit.

Ha! Are you sleeping with your leading lady?

What’s the point of making a movie if you’re not and the lead bitch is pretty hot too. We got a lot of sexy gals in the flick, Penthouse Pets, Playboy models, there’s a lot of good sex in the flick.

What do you look for when you’re casting ladies?

I don’t know, listen I gotta get the fuck outta here, I don’t wanna talk about this shit. You’re taking up too much of my time. Mass Appeal don’t pay enough. My man Noah got me $2,000 to interview Usher at Complex, those fuckers pay. I can barely eat writing for you guys. Pay my rent and I’ll do another column.

Where’s the funding for this film coming from?

Well, it’s funny, I’ll real quick tell you. I got it from my man Shane Kessler who I grew up with, he’s a maniac bare knuckle street grappler on some Hoyce Gracie shit. He goes to bars and tackles dudes and makes them tap out. The cops hunted him down in the woods last week and he fought five dogs with his bare hands, but he got bit the fuck up. But yeah, basically he put in a good chunk of money towards the flick.

And you wrote the script?

I co-wrote it with Frank, he directed too many classic joints. Basket Case, Brain Damage, Frankenhooker, all legendary flicks.

What are you gonna do if the movie flops?

It’s not gonna flop. The only way it could flop is if Saddam or somebody blows up a building again and nobody is buying shit or something. What are you a fucking idiot?

Alright R.A., when should we expect to see a finished film then?

What the fuck do you keep asking me shit for? What is this, an interview? Fuck that shit. Interview’s over. Suck my dick and tell honeyboy the editor when I see him I’m a break his face for this shit. [Click]