Laura Ingraham’s Drunken, Belching Train Ride

Conservative radio host Laura Ingraham had quite a ride on Amtrak Wednesday night, so much so that she began referring to the train company as Slamtrak. Drunken crass men. Belching. F-bombs. Dead deer. What more could you want?

We start off with Ingraham noticing her fellow passengers at 10:57 p.m. “How abt when u r on a train this late at night and a grp of 40-something men start loudly bragging abt alcohol intake & dropping f-bombs?” By 11:08 p.m. it suddenly became a War on Women: “All are slurring their words…wearing baseball caps backwards, tshirts, oblivious to women in the car, shouting to each other. Show prep!” At 11:38 p.m. she begins to move through the seven stages of grief, one being, anger, another bargaining: 1. “Now they are talking loudly & passionately abt tacos. More interesting convos in son’s pre-school class!” 2. “Am tempted to try to buy their silence with a few tasty Slamtrak pepperoni pizzas. Oh& the Cafe Car is STILL serving them beer. RUI.”

At 11:42 p.m. she attempts to boost the IQ’s of her new drunken male friends: “Conductor finally came in and told this Mensa meeting to tone down language and volume.” And then she gets a sense of humor: “To top it all off, one of them who looks like Belushi in Animal House has a cell phone w/ a police siren ring that keeps going off.”

At 11:51 p.m. things seem to take a wildly unexpected turn that redirects her attentions, which, undoubtedly, a dead animal can do. “And Slamtrak has announced that we just hit a deer. Road kill burgers for the loaded louts.”

By 12:03 a.m. there’s a light at the end of the tunnel: “The Baltimorons just got off the train. Of course they left their trash behind, grousing abt the ‘f—s’ in the car.”

Thank God Ingraham had the good sense to take the above picture so we could have a visual. She wrote, “The Baltimorons after innumerable Bud-Lights, hours of foul-language, and in the midst of an ear-splitting belching competition.”

Moral of the Story: When all else fails, wish dead deer burgers on your fellow Amtrak passengers and, above all, don’t forget to snap a photograph.