Jon Stewart: Robert Novak is a miracle

Novak 2.jpgcuddle my shuttle.jpgIt’s not that we haven’t been lovingly watching Jon Stewart of late – you know we have! Joe Biden for President! – it’s just that there’s less of a justification for transcribing it on a media site when the subject matter isn’t quite media, per se. Though as we’ve said before, we think Jon counts. None of this “ooh, I’m absolved of journalistic responsibility because my lead-in is a show about puppets who crank call people.” We’re just sayin’. But last night’s show was purty damn good, so we asked Fishtern Annie Karni to dip her toes into our fishy, bloggy waters and render her first post unto us, which she didst, and which you can readeth after the jump. Enjoy!

So we know Jon’s got something up his sleeve when he starts right in on tonight’s Daily Show by telling us about the un-birthday gift he has so miraculously received. Jon’s birthday: November. But Robert Novak must have lost track of these things, because he chose today, August 4th, to give Jon the hoot of his month, and the excuse to curse on television, when he did the unprecedented curse-and-walk-out of-a-live-TV-set this morning.

“You gotta show them that you’re tough,” James Carville jabbed at Novak on CNN’s “Inside Politics,” in response to Novak’s claim that we can’t be too sure Katherine Harris‘ bid for the senate seat is a no-go. “I think this is bullshit, and I hate that,” said an irate Novak, and who proceeded to just walk away and never come back. Jeez, someone is tooouuccchhyy. Others can’t contain their excitement.

“I wept with joy over seeing it,” admits Jon (who doesn’t bleep out bullshit in the replay). “Now there’s a leak someone’s going to be held accountable for,” he says, giving us his best cheeky smile and nipple rub. “Perhaps you were curious to know what my face looked like the first time I saw that clip?” And so we watch the clip again, this time with Jon’s exaggerated facial expressions playing in the corner. We love Jon channeling Chaplin. Jon loves re-playing “bullshit” on national TV. We are all in love. Jon”s doing the “It’s my brithday, it’s my birthday,” dance in his chair. Here, you can too.

Moving on, but only because we have to (Jon seems like he’d be more than happy to hash and re-hash this clip for a bit longer, but all good things must come to an end). So we stick with the media to discuss the “Miracle of Flight 358,” the Air France flight to Toronto that was struck by lightning and burst into flames — but nobody died.

Jon is misled by the misuse of the English language. A miracle, he reads to us from the dictionary, is “a marvelous event manifested by a supernatural act of God.” Jon’s reaction to the media’s misuse of “miracle” (after all, the people survived because the crew was awesome, not because of God) is unequivocal: “this is bullshit!” he cries, and does a fake Novak-like walk off stage. Not even a miracle can get Novak off the man’s mind! The only miracle we have here in Flight 358, Jon explains, is that the plane was struck by lightening in the first place. “God was trying to kill these people,” says Jon, in his conspiracy-theorist whisper and body hunch. According to Jon’s interpretation of “miracle,” the passengers are only alive because of the “satanic competence” of the crew.

Yes, Jon’s being a wee bit pedantic here. No, we don’t care. Yes, we’re part of the choir. (Ed.: I thought it was a bit linguistically stingy of Jon to rag on the miracle-ness of Flight 358. No, not a miracle but pretty bloody close. Dudes, it could have been bad. I’m prepared to give God a little credit for a non-tragedy featuring over 300 non-dead people).

New Awesome Feature: “The Less You Know,” and he’s off and jumping (literally) over to a report about prisoner abuse. The ACLU wants us all to see more shocking photos from Abu Ghraib. Bill O’Reilly thinks this is a terrible idea: “More pictures of Abu Ghraib help the terrorists.” He thinks the ACLU is a terrorist-abetting organization. Oy. This seems just as backwards as Jon Stewart accusing the crew that saved Flight 358 of “satanic competence.” As usual, it’s hard to tell where the fake news ends and where the real news begins. People be crazy.

O’Reilly continues to bluster on topics about which he is an expert, educating John McCain about prisoner abuse. That’s John “five years of drinking my own urine in a bamboo cage” McCain to you, O’Reilly. “The Emporer’s Wearing No Clothes!” is basically what Jon is yelling. And yelling. And yelling. “Tune in next week, when O’Reilly tears Steven Hawking a new asshole over quantum physics and handicap ramps.” Zing!

Now, we don’t watch the commercials, because our friends have TiVo, so it’s right on to Steven Colbert’s field report for us without a break (we’ve been training).

Steven now brings up a pressing issue that has somehow slipped off the radar: “Does the new Dukes of Hazzard movie cheapen the original TV show?” Some people think it no longer reflects America’s “heartland.” An interview with the real-life Cooter has him pissed off and boycotting the film. An interview with some college kids from central casting has them wanting to “bounce” Jessica Simpson‘s “ass” (or “bounce that” as the saying goes) whether or not she’s a real blonde, oh heck, whether or not she has any hair at all: “she could have a shaved head and I’d still bounce that ass.” Charming.

The NAACP doesn’t want to see the movie either. No, not because of the sex (“it’s NOT because of the sex,” Lonnie Randolph Jr., President of the South Caroline NAACP, wants to be sure that is very, very clear), but because of the South and the symbol of the confederacy underneath all of those soap suds and Jessica’s writhing body. “Kids love symbols of repression,” says Colbert, before shimmying over and into his own car, through the window, natch, to the Godless north, tooting “Hava Nagila” as he goes.

Ok, so I’ve been saying this for a while, and maybe now someone will finally hear me: What’s up with The Daily Show’s annoying theme song? I can’t help but think that Jon should have spend the money he wasted on his new desk and hired someone to write him a new jingle. It’s just bad enough and catchy enough to make it hard for me to fall asleep at night. There. I’ve said my piece.

So it’s finally interview time. Phew! It seemed, tonight, like we’d never get here. Novakantics totally stole the show from Miles O’Brien, co-anchor of CNN’s “American Morning” and the channel’s space correspondent, who has been demoted to back-burner status (Ed.: to Novak and clestially – he was supposed to be the first journo in space).

“I’m still happy to see you, as a matter of fact,” Miles says, entering with a tiny pocket rocket in hand (referencing the clip of him with a giant missile sitting in his lap). Jon’s not particularly amused, or maybe that’s because it’s just an itty bitty shuttle. Men can be funny about tiny symbols of their manhood. “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” he brushes it off and steers the conversation to what he really wants to talk about: “So, what’s wrong with Novak?”

“We’d like to think of him as our little miracle,” says Miles. This guy is all about the cross-referencing.

“Let’s talk about the shuttle, for God sakes it’s important,” says Jon. Clearly, the man’s been in no rush to get to the issue that seems like it was once slated to be the main topic of tonight’s show (instead we had a surprise un-birthday celebration). Jon gives us a five second run-down on the history of the NASA space program from last year’s Columbia disaster to today: “there was a tragedy with the foam insulation last time, and they take off again, and the foam insulation breaks again.”

Miles is here with props. First, his pocket rocket, and now, a lovely square piece of foam — just like the one that was dislodged from the space shuttle!

“You’re kidding,” says Jon, giving us his best dead-pan eyes. “This is the drop ceiling in our green room.”

So Jon’s totally unimpressed with all of Miles’s props, and finally gets to his agenda and his million dollar question: “where do the billions of dollars go?” and the crowd goes wild.

“They can do Time Warp 7, but they can’t get the duct tape to stay on,” quips Jon. (Ed. Previously Jon mentioned a “transducer” — so he’s clearly referencing the Rocky Horror Picture show. Which rocked at least one viewer’s world. Yes, editors bring wisdom and experience to the process, to be sure). If the man ever had faith in or respect for NASA, there’s no trace of it here tonight. But that doesn’t stop him from expressing his awe at the courage of the astronauts themselves. “I’d be scared,” Jon said on the August 3rd Daily Show. Scared? Common! You’d be Jon “sitting in a pool of my own urine and feces” Stewart! Let’s all be honest here! TiVO doesn’t lie.

Miles wants to steal Jon’s newest coinage: “shuttle schmutz,” but is denied: “you’re way too white to say schmutz,” says Jon. Clearly, no man-crush here tonight; Jon totally would have given “shuttle schmutz” to Fareed Zakaria. Jon seems under-whelmed by his guest’s subject. Let’s face it, he never got Novak off the brain.

Miles tells us that it looks like we’ll be putting the shuttle on hold for a while and going back to ye olde capsule method of space travele. “One giant step backwards for mankind,” says Jon, and Miles seems ready to go on but Jon stops him: “We gotta go, because Novak too up so much of our time,” Jon apologizes. But not really.

Moment of Zen: “I think that’s bullshit and I hate that.” Happy un-birthday, Jon!