Great News from the Good Book!

1565631609.01._AA240_SCLZZZZZZZ_.jpg We had to break this one out from the Times round up because its monumentally catastrophic implications make everything else we’ve written here irrelevant (gasp!).

Once Ricky the Hamster dies when we’re six, it’s hard to ignore the fact that we’re all going to die. But according to the Times, prominent figures of different faiths all over the world–including in the States, Israel, and Iran, our new Dr. Evil–are attempting to use global technology to speed up the process.

From Louis Sahagun‘s lengthy piece:

Though there are myriad interpretations of how it will play out, the basic Christian apocalyptic countdown — as described by the Book of Revelation in the New Testament — is as follows:

Jews return to Israel after 2,000 years, the Holy Temple is rebuilt, billions of people perish during seven years of natural disasters and plagues, the antichrist arises and rules the world, the battle of Armageddon erupts in the vicinity of Israel, Jesus returns to defeat Satan’s armies and preside over Judgment Day.

Generations of Christians have hoped for the Second Coming of Jesus, said UCLA historian Eugen Weber, author of the 1999 book “Apocalypses: Prophecies, Cults and Millennial Beliefs Through the Ages.”

“And it’s always been an ultimately bloody hope, a slaughterhouse hope,” he added with a sigh. “What we have now in this global age is a vaster and bloodier-than-ever Wagnerian version. But, then, we are a very imaginative race.”

There’s a backhanded compliment if ever we heard one.