Ask Piranhamous Anything

Here’s the latest installment of “Ask Piranhamous Anything.” And we do mean anything. Send your queries to This isn’t an advice column — Piranhamous doesn’t know what the hell you should do with your life any more than you do — and worse, he doesn’t care. Try to keep your questions short — we want to keep this fun, simple, funny and insightful.

How do you think the media handled Obama coming out of the closet for gay marriage?

With all the grace you’d expect from an egg thrown against a brick wall. There was so much drooling over what everyone already knew that you’d almost think everyone didn’t already know it. The saddest part, from a journalistic perspective, was how no one did any actual journalism. It changed absolutely nothing, it still keeps the President to the right of former Veep Dick Cheney (which got no mention), and was the subject of a fundraising email by the Obama campaign before ink dried on the first story. I would say the media was played like a fiddle but that would imply they aren’t in the tank already. So everything has changed except nothing has changed if you know what I mean.

What are your thoughts on George Clooney?

He was great in “The Facts of Life” and has been playing a variation of George Burnett ever since. No one has done so much with so little since Leslie Nielsen milked his hand-held fart machine for 20 years of Tonight Show laughs. The dude upgrades twenty-something chicks every couple of years, makes millions being one character and is a bigger “star” than his box office receipts warrant. What’s not to love…or find annoying. He’s Elizabeth Taylor without the diamonds – someone who had a couple of hits (the Ocean’s flicks were money-makers) who is famous more for being famous than anything else. In other words, I, like any guy, would change lives with him in a heartbeat.

Explanation and Clarification: Piranhamous previously answered a question regarding Fox News’ Neil Cavuto’s voice in this space. It has been brought to our attention that Cavuto has MS. We’re not medical doctors, but we’ve also been told that MS can affect speech. If illness has altered his actual voice, we probably don’t need to be assessing it. We’ve removed the question and answer.