FBLA 20 Questions: Matt Haley


FBLA so seldomly encounters Pynchon enthusiasts among our readers. But Matt Haley, one of the creative talents behind Who Wants to be a Superhero as well as a superhero artisthero, defied our admittedly low expectations when he answered our mythic questions.

1. What newspapers do you read? They still make those?

2. Which ones do you move your lips to while reading? Oh, the Onion, absolutely.

3. Which Web sites are on your favorites bookmark? The family-friendly ones are usually art sites, painters’ and illustrators’ blogs, people who are way more talented than I could ever hope to be. I bookmarked mine, too, just in case I get lost. The others, well…artists see naked people everyday, we’re like doctors. Right?

4. Where do you get your car washed?No car, I usually take the MTA. Don’t look at me that way.

5. Do you know your dentist’s first name?
Wayne. He is the best dentist in the world. Dentists say they’re ‘painless’, this guy really is. First time I had oral surgery, I’m in the chair, and I’m envisioning that scene from Marathon Man where Dustin Hoffman is being tortured. He tells me to close my eyes (never a good sign), and I notice my jaw is starting to go numb, but I hadn’t felt that dry pinch of the Xylocaine needle. I pry open one eyelid and drunkenly ask if he’s using some kind of spray or brush to apply the painkiller, and he calmly replies, “No, I have a rather large needle in your jaw, I’m just really careful.” I’m putting his kids through college, now.

6. Do you believe newspapers are going to die? If so, when? Look, my dad’s in radio news, I have several friends who are newspaper reporters, I don’t want to see them lose their jobs, but let’s face it–the only thing a newspaper has over the net is that you don’t need batteries to power it and you can fold it up and take it anywhere. As soon as they finally get the LCD foldable displays down to a reasonable cost–it’s over for the newspaper. Of course, that means the comic book will die soon after, and maybe that’s not such a bad thing.

7. What was the last book you read?
Against The Day by Thomas Pynchon. Gravity’s Rainbow is one of my favorite books, and I grabbed this one the day it came out.

8. What’s the last book you say you read? I actually tell people I don’t read books because they’d never believe it. I’m an artist and most people assume we’re functionally illiterate, so I usually mumble something about having a huge collection of Japanese art books and then shuffle my feet uncomfortably.

9. If you got a unicorn what would you name it? Timmy. Either that, or “Oh My God That Thing Is Trying To Kill Me”.

10. What does you TiVo think about you? No TiVo, I shamelessly download the shows I want to watch off P2P. My computer, on the other hand, thinks I am a feckless man with shitty taste in music.

11. Character of fiction you most resemble? Harry Potter, if he gave up D&D for dating.

12. Who plays you in your bio-pic? John Cusack, because I get that a lot. Plus, we have a similar slightly dour outlook on life.

13. Do you floss? Hell yes, sometimes in public. Kids, floss, ok? Just floss your damn teeth. You have no idea the fans I meet at conventions, they seem to have never heard the words dental hygiene. I usually keep a tin of breath mints at my booth with a sign that says, “Please, god, take one.”

14. Did you ever believe your toys come alive when you leave the room? I did, absolutely, I assumed they were building a death ray or some bizarre Rube Goldberg contraption to kill me in my sleep.

Do you still? Yes, only now I assume they’re just spreading scurrilous lies about me in the media.

15. How many old cell phones do you own? Two. I’m superstitious, I can’t let them go.

16. Best show legendary biz/movie star encounter. I have the unique ability to run across has-been stars or B- and C-list ‘celebs’ and promptly gush to them about the single most embarrassing thing they ever appeared in. Last time I had lunch at the Bowery, I ended up sitting next to Bobcat Goldthwaite and his much younger luncheon companion, and got to overhear the single-most uncomfortable first date conversation I have ever had the misfortune to inadvertently witness. God, I wanted to ask him about ‘Uncle Creamy’.

17. Do you get satellite radio? XM, but only for Opie & Anthony. When they suspended them for 30 days over that stupid Condi Rice joke made by one of their homeless guy guests, I cancelled my subscription. Cowards.

18. And as a follow do you “get” satellite radio? I did, until it became clear they were just as ‘fraidy-scared of special interest groups as the broadcast media. They like to bill themselves as ‘edgy’ and ‘raw’, and possibly even ‘uncensored’, which of course it turns out, they are not. Screw them.

19. Do you read the Enquirer/InTouch/US/People? No, but I read the Weekly World News until I heard they’re canceled it. Sheesh.

20. Do you lie about it? Hell no, it was the only place to get the news!

FBLA 20 Questions