A Cry for Help or the Right Move: Matthew Boyle’s ‘Magic Vagina’ Ride Into Breitbartlandia

Despite the whimsical headline, this morning we have a grave situation on our hands. It seems The Daily Caller‘s Matthew Boyle, who has split for Breitbart.com, has been kidnapped taken in by the cult members good folks over in Breitbartlandia. Though the move has been mounting on and off for the past two years, the outcome isn’t pretty: Boyle, 25, says goodbye to his old colleagues and hello to his new ones in a farewell email and debut piece that has us wondering if it’s all just a big cry for help.

And we’re here to help you, Matthew.

Reading between the lines, we will interpret what Boyle is really trying to say. By the way, if there are any cult deprogrammers out there, please make yourselves known. Also, we’re looking for an experienced bounty hunter to bring us Boyle in one piece so we can stage an intervention. This may get worse before it gets better.

See the letter, the clearly unedited story and our translation…

Subject: Leaving The Daily Caller, moving on to Breitbart News Network 
All,
I want to thank all of you for everything you’ve helped me with over the past two and a half years. I’m leaving The Daily Caller and moving on to be an investigative journalist at Breitbart News Network.

I’ll be doing regular investigations, as per usual, and common every day stories just like I did before. Please update your contact information for me to include the following:

Email: (when I get a Breitbart.com email address, I’ll send that out to everyone)

Please, by all means, feel free to pitch me stories any time via email and/or phone and/or text message. I’m also including my opening salvo piece for Breitbart News Network below for your reading pleasure. I’m more than available to talk about it on any of your shows or programs, too, if anyone would like (for those on this list to whom that applies). Same goes for any pieces I write – feel free to reach out any time. (FBDC Translation: Please help me! They’re taking over my soul and encouraging me to take to the airwaves with anti-left-wing media chants they’re teaching us in morning meditation.)

I look forward to this new experience in my life and career. I really want to thank everyone at The Daily Caller for everything they’ve done for me in the past. And I want to thank the leadership at Breitbart News Network for the opportunities on the road ahead. (FBDC Translation: The “leadership?” Boyle, editors aren’t called “leaders” (i.e. the al Qaeda of media conglomerates) but we realize they do have a lot of ideas for you, a fresh young soldier in their midst, none of which are good ones. Please, we must save him before it’s too late.)

Why I’m Enlisting In Andrew Breitbart’s War

BY MATTHEW BOYLE

I’m enlisting to fight in Andrew Breitbart’s war.

The political class in Washington has degraded America. Republicans and Democrats blame each other, and nothing gets done. The media exacerbates the problem, fans the flames and encourages false notions of “civility” and “objectivity” while pushing “bipartisanship” that doesn’t actually solve problems.

While this charade perpetuates indefinitely, America grows weaker. She’s digging herself deeper into debt and isn’t even searching for solutions to her problems. Entitlements and government overspending gets worse every day while laws go unenforced and Americans are murdered in terrorist attacks. Nobody in Washington seems to care. (FBDC Translation: Sadly, Boyle is actually saying he thinks no one cares about him. Oh, but we do care, Boyle, and we don’t want to see your career going down the drain with a flaming piece of propaganda like this story.)