Clickbait: Free Beacon’s Next Top Model-American

Yesterday, Free Beacon’s Robert Charette graciously welcomed swimsuit model Anne Vyalitsyna to that one awesome country, that everyone likes, and has ranked #1 in freedom for over 237 straight years. That one. Yeah, that’s right! This one! She’s part of Team U.S.A. now! A stunningly beautiful swimsuit model from Europe became a naturalized American citizen, proving that our current immigration system ain’t all that bad (except in basically every other way).

Follow the jump for more about America’s impressive new catch!

The soviet born Anne V. proved to the Department of Homeland Security that she could be a contributing, functional member of American society. And she does so by wearing sexy bathing suits very, very amazingly and impressively well. Remember, the old Russian proverb:

“Who ever heard of a Russian swimsuit model? In Soviet Russia, sexy bathing suit wears you! Also, system of government oppresses you to death, and flawed economic beliefs cause family members to starve. Also, Party Chairman might be devil himself. You should probably not live here. Go somewhere with less wolves and no communism.”-Old Russian proverb, made up on the spot just now by Fishbowl’s old gypsy lady.

And just like the old fake proverb suggested, Anne V. came to the land of the Kardashians and commercial breaks to fulfill her lifelong dream of not being Russian anymore! Dasvidaniya, suckers!

According to FreeBeacon, after she was all oathed up and had pledged her full allegiance to apple pie, baseball, and all the other awesome things liberty’s given the world, Anne V. tweeted a picture of herself with her citizenship papers, then told the twitter-verse the exact same thing we Americans say to ourselves each and every time we realize that we’re kickass Americans: “Proudest moment of my life! Dreams do come true! #newUScitizen”. She then capped off  the tweet with three Emojii American flags, pressed “tweet,” and then instantly lost her previous healthcare plan even though she liked it and was told she could keep it. Welcome to America, darlin’!

Read the Free Beacon piece here.





Another picture, because Hell, why not?

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