Ask Piranhamous Anything

Here is this week’s installment of “Ask Piranhamous Anything.”  If you have a question you’d like “snarked to death,” send it to This isn’t an advice column. Piranhamous doesn’t know what the hell you should do with your life any more than you do — and worse, he doesn’t care. Try to keep your questions short — we want to keep this fun, simple, funny and insightful.

1. So, CNN has made its first bold move, luring Jake Tapper away from ABC. What’s your reaction? 

My reaction is “WOW!” I did not see that coming, but now that it’s happened it makes perfect sense. ABC could (and should) have done anything to keep Jake, he’s just about the only journalist universally praised and the only one I don’t put “journalist” in quotation marks when writing about. ABC could have kept him if they’d just done the smart thing in the first place and made him host of “This Week.” Considering how often George Stephanopoulos takes Sunday off, and the fact that he’s on the network five days per week already (how much Stephanopoulos could any network need?), not giving that gig to Tapper set in motion his exodus to CNN. Major pull for them.

2. appears to have taking a major disliking to John Boehner as of late. What’s happening here? Translation? 

Breitbart seems to be a mess of late. Their rush to hire people who no one else is in a rush to hire is curious. That’s not to say they aren’t fine reporters, but they aren’t top-tier recruits who were much sought after. It would appear that having money dumped into your bank account causes impulse purchases at year’s end. On Boehner, the conservative media loves to be contrarian. They think they’re holding some sort of line but they end up shooting themselves in the foot (am I allowed to still make that analogy?) They’re writing for the choir, so it doesn’t matter very much. But it does matter. OK, it matters if credibility is your goal. If agenda and web traffic are your goals then they’re doing just fine.

3. Hypothetical: You are kidnapped by Syrians and forced into a solitary confinement type of prison cell by your captors. They give you three choices of the only entertainment you can have. 1. Endless DVD’s of Honey Boo-Boo episodes 2. Thousands of print copies of The Washington Post or 3. Never-ending supply of the Kathie Lee & Hoda show. Which do you choose?

I’m fairly certain this question is so torturous that it constitutes torture. The Washington Post is just awful, so that’s out. Kathie Lee & Hoda are one of the few things worse than the Post, so that’s out too. It would be like watching my mom and her best friend get drunk and no one needs that flashback! That leaves Honey Boo-Boo. Choosing Honey Boo-Boo makes the most sense because, as a prisoner, I’d want to keep in as much touch with real life as possible and, given these options, it’s the closest option to reality.