Ask Piranhamous Anything

Today we have another installment of: “Ask Piranhamous Anything.” And we do mean anything. Send your queries to This isn’t an advice column — Piranhamous doesn’t know what the hell you should do with your life any more than you do — and worse, he doesn’t care. Try to keep your questions short — we want to keep this fun, simple and insightful.

1. Why are 5 out of every 4 journalists in this effed-up town such egotistical attention-seeking gas bag media whores? Whatever happened to just doing a good job and then going drinking?

The advent of the metrosexual and society’s acceptance of manscaping brought about flavored vodka and drinks even women in the 1960’s would’ve thought were for wussies. With that and the laptop, nerds crept out of their parent’s basement with the ability to type. We had no idea how many of them there were, so when they first emerged they weren’t taken seriously. There were so many of them it was only a matter of time they’d spread like the common cold on a cross-country flight into the media. That they’d wander into this profession shouldn’t come as a surprise. They’re the type of people who grew up being praised by their parents for getting a participation ribbon and told they were special their whole lives. It’s a natural fit because they get to be pushy jerks, which journalists have to be to get answers. Then they take their poor posture back to their personal bat caves and their fellow Nerdalists come over to trade comic books and rip on everyone else. When you only associate with people who think and act like you, you deem anyone not like you unworthy of your coolness. The new crop of journos wouldn’t know which end of a cigar is which and are the reason even dive bars in D.C. offer appletinis.

2. How did Martha Raddatz do?

Depends on which part. At times she let the guys talk, at other times she seemed to participate. I’ve always found moderators who earnestly deliver their questions like they’re curing AIDS annoying. That’s kind of how she came off. She was picked by the debate commission to moderate, she wasn’t voted into the job by the American people. But that didn’t stop her from acting like she was entrusted by voters to speak on their behalf when in reality 99 percent of people watching never heard of her. A good moderator should be someone you didn’t even know was there, like a good ref. The definitely audience knew Martha was there.

3. Have you watched the new Katie show? What do you think so far?

I’ve seen one episode and I’m ashamed of myself for it. It was filmed in her apartment, which they may all be (I really don’t know), but it was awful. She had about 20 women as the audience, Jimmy Fallon and that douche bag from Bravo on as guests. They played a game of something she claims to play often, which amounted to Taboo for dumb people. I added “for dumb people” because it was Taboo without the five most obvious words you can’t say, so it was even easier. In short, it was terrible. Had the remote not been closer than a knife, who knows what would’ve happened, because one way or another, it had to end.