Another Millennial Implodes

Hey, the more people who commit career suicide on the internet mean more jobs for the rest of us, right?

Via Deadspin, a former assistant manager at a pool wrote a letter to his former boss when she offered him not the assistant managerial position he’d held last summer but a lifeguarding job. We’re excerpting the best bits below.

This semester I am employed by BMW as a co-op/intern, handling operations and performing various functions related to test car builds and the testing and eventual release/implementation of new content in upcoming series releases. This is a highly coveted internship that, due to my business prowess, especially that concerning the analysis of different hypotheticals, financial situations, and if-then relationships hinging on international investments, I was able to easily secure without having to bat even a single eye lash.

I have been offered a second internship with BMW, a profoundly respected world leader in luxury automobile manufacturing, for this upcoming summer and fall semesters. Obviously, looking to significantly enhance my resume to a level enabling me to one day run corporate America, I will be returning to this prestigious multinational corporation. Therefore, returning to the pool for another summer would be like Apple CEO Steve Jobs returning to Foot Locker for summer employment, especially seeing as that returning to the pool would mean being a subordinate to a woman of below average intelligence with the responsibility of teaching “ghetto” school children various topics and subjects that they couldn’t care less about. This would be the equivalent of Bill Gates (Microsoft CEO, in case you were unaware) applying to work as a personal computer salesperson in a local Best Buy retail store.


I understand you are a school teacher and not a professor or employed in a position that requires significant knowledge in any particular field of study, so maybe my criticism is unfair. Nonetheless, I still provided much guidance and support as you learned the ropes of managing at the pooll at the rate of a snail in the Indy 500. Did I ever complain? No. Why? Due to the fact that I am a professional and, given my advanced knowledge of operations at the pool, I wanted to bestow certain bits of my wealth of knowledge upon you.

Do I need a summer job at a local neighborhood pool? No, as I continue my employment as a respected intern/co-op for a dominant player in the international luxury automotive industry.

I look forward to a summer of continued professional development and resume building, as I add invaluable work experience to a resume already including a highly sought after education at a business school with the #1 International Business program in the entire nation. On that note, I encourage you to do the same with respect to a job coveted only by high school and college students. I implore you to enjoy making a salary that barely exceeds the poverty line and garnering the respect of professionals, I mean 3rd grade students, in your “profession.”

Yep, kid, you win.