All I Want for Christmas Is Less Kim Kardashian

kim-kardashian-paper-magazineDear Santa,

I know I’m not perfect and I just got off the naughty list.

But since I’m (probably) back in good standing, I would like to request a special present this year: convince my media friends to stop covering the troglodyte known as Kim Kardashian.

This story is why.

KK often gets press for doing nothing, but this time she is blaming whatever deity she worships for an experience common to every woman in the world: slight weight gain during pregnancy.

big kkKim recently peeked outside her chateau, noticed that the spotlight wasn’t quite bright enough, and made up this story to justify coverage in Elle UK:

“It’s taken me a long time to be happy with my body and for my confidence to grow to what it is today. I grew up when the body to have was the tall, slim, supermodel one, like Cindy Crawford’s. No one looked like me.

It’s good to break the mould [sic] and recreate one. I’m an Armenian girl, I have shape, and it turned out people liked that. That makes me feel good about myself and other women for being so supportive. I am a confident woman but I didn’t arrive confident. It has built over the years.”

Kim has been famous for far too long for that very reason. Her fellow Rubenesque women and church choir members may also take issue with this quote:

“I’d think God was doing this for a reason. He was saying: ‘Kim, you think you’re so hot, but look what I can do to you.’ My body just went crazy. After five months I swore I’d never get pregnant again. I got so huge and it felt like someone had taken over my body.”

Nope. That was definitely not it, and the “someone” who had taken over her body was her own daughter.

We realize that we fell into the all-too-easy trap by posting on this excuse for a story, but we’d like to repeat our plea to the jolly old man up north: less of her next year, please.