A Night In Hell – Part 1

Politico has compiled a list of which celebrities will be attending the White House Correspondents Dinner and which table they will be sitting at.  I hate them all, so I thought I’d take a look at each table and judge it in my usual caring way.

ABC Sofia Vergara; Jesse Tyler Ferguson; Julie Bowen and Eric Stonestreet of “Modern Family”; Christa Miller and Bill Lawrence of “Cougar Town”; “Hunger Games” actress Elizabeth Banks; actor Paul Rudd; New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie; Obama’s senior campaign adviser David Axelrod; National Security Adviser Tom Donilon; Army Chief of Staff Gen. Ray Odierno.

This is one of the worst tables on Earth, sitting at it is almost like punishment. “Cougar Town” sucks. They’ve managed to milk a joke to death that jumped the shark before their show even started. “Modern Family” might as well be called “Stereotypes, INC.” Elizabeth Banks and Paul Rudd could be cool, but meeting them will probably only confirm that they’re not. Gov. Christie will be loud and eat all the food and someone has to be on mustache patrol for Axelrod all night (how much food will that beast collect?) The other two = snore.

AFP Jamie Hyneman and Adam Savage of “Mythbusters”; writer Colm Toibin; DNC Executive Director Patrick Gaspard.

The “Mythbusters” guys are only fun when blowing shit up, and there aren’t enough hookers in Colombia to distract the Secret Service into NOT frisking them like they’re getting a colonoscopy. And a writer and a DNC executive? Forget booze, you’re going to need a few 5 Hour Energy Drinks to get through this boring table without drowning in your soup.

Atlantic Media Actress Rosario Dawson; chef José Andrés; “Sex and the City” writer Darren Star; Stacey Snider, co-chairwoman and CEO of DreamWorks Studios; Nancy Ann DeParle, deputy chief of staff for policy at the White House.

Rosario Dawson is hot, but only in the looks department. She’s there every year, but why? She’s a B- lister at best. A celebrity chef and the guy who gave us the original 90210? This would be a hot table…1993. And unless you’ve got a pitch to make about a caterpillar who saves the world, who cares about the head of Dreamworks? Throw in a policy wonk and “blech!”

American Urban Radio Networks Singer-songwriter Stevie Wonder, actress Tamara Tunie.

Stevie Wonder would be cool to meet, but only for a minute. The guy has been denied an education because he could sing, so mining his brain for interesting conversation would be like swimming in a puddle. I had to Google Tamara Tunie and already forgot who she is. Boring.

Bloomberg Actress Zooey Deschanel.

Zooey is hot, but that’s it. Her quirkiness wears thinner than cheap soup after about 3 minutes.

Bloomberg BNA Actress Holly Robinson Peete.

Was the cast of “Facts of Life” unavailable? No one from “Empty Nest” could make it? If you do an Internet search for Holly Robinson Peete, Google asks you why you’re wasting its time.