12 Easy Steps to Choke a Party

A surefire way to choke any party: Invite your closest friends to your home, but before they get there, answer any “lingering questions” they may have about the fete in a lengthy group e-mail. Make the ordeal as complex as possible while talking to your would-be guests like toddlers. One last thing: as you dump a load of rules on them, forget one important detail: the time.  Fun, right?

That’s exactly what  longtime Revamp.com photog Daniel Swartz did today in an email about his housewarming party that will be held on his building’s roof.  Below is the email 12 part Q&A Swartz sent to his guests…and our coinciding translations. Good times.

Is this an open party? Can I bring guests? Daniel’s answer: No. This is NOT an open party. Translation: With all the rules I’m choking this party with there’s no way I’m leaving anything to chance. Leave your disgusting friends outside the building.

What if I didn’t RSVP? Daniel’s answer: If you didn’t RSVP, then you’re not on the list. But email me just in case. Translation: If you didn’t get your shit together to RSVP you are SOL.

How do I get into the building? Daniel’s answer: You MUST have a photo ID in order to get into the building.  Security will not let you in if you do not provide one and I am not there to escort you.  Please be patient if there is a line. Translation: I am a serious V.I.P. I have a security detail for this party. If you don’t have an ID, pray hard enough and maybe I’ll be there to “escort” you. Oh, and please be patient. Again, I am very important and there will be a long line of folks clamoring to get in and see me.

Ok, I’ve made it past security.  Now what? We’re not giving you Daniel’s answer on this one, but a quick translation to the question: I know you can’t figure out what to do in a building because you’re clearly a bunch of idiots. But if you’re as important as me, or even if I just think you are, which is doubtful, then you’ll figure out what to do next.

Read the rest of the email after the jump.

If the party is on the rooftop, where is the bathroom? Daniel’s answer: Please use the bathroom in my apartment on the 11th floor: BLANK. Translation: No matter how desperate you get, don’t try to urinate off the rooftop. Instead, go to my apartment and try not to trash my bathroom.

At this point, invitation questions meander into details about the menu, drink and music. Daniel: Please drink responsibly.  It’s a Sunday after all!

What should I bring? Daniel wants no gifts. Just your presence is enough. But if you bring a bottle so be it. “Please note that there will be no wine glasses at the party (I will enjoy your bottles later.  Probably by myself.  In the dark.).  Also, don’t forget to bring a photo ID!” Translation: Don’t plan on imbibing anything you bring. That’ll be for me later.

Do you recycle? Daniel’s answer: We will be recycling all beverage containers (e.g., beer bottles, soda cans, etc.).  Please do not throw these into the general trash.  I will try to have everything well marked off so as to minimize confusion. Translation: My party. My rules.

What if it rains? Daniel’s answer: Some of us can temporarily retreat to my apartment and the rest can take refuge under a couple of canopies I will have setup on the rooftop itself. Translation: Clearly I will decide who goes where should that happen.

He signs off: “‘Tis all for now.”