10 Men Not to Bang in Washington

By Betsy Rothstein and Eddie Scarry

In the wake of the scandal swirling around now former CIA Director David Petraeus, we’ve decided to create a quick tip sheet for large-breasted women who are considering affairs with high-powered (some hideous) men in Washington. Here’s who not to sleep with if you’re getting that sudden urge to become a homewrecker. And for god sakes, if you must, do not ever communicate by email. (And text is probably no good either. We hear stationery may be making a comeback.)

10. Rep. Mike Rogers, Chairman of the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence. See his title. And repeat.

9. House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio). As fun as he might be with his dry humor and bright blue eyes, there’s no doubt that at some point in the affair he would burst out crying. That’s reason enough. But there’s also the high probability that his breath is smoky and his skin feels like leather.

8. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. He’s a man of few words and he leaves stray hairs on Pepsi cans if you know what we mean. Also…if he looks this bored, really?

7. Gen. Stanley McChrystal because he’ll talk shit about you behind your back (and then tell it to a reporter). And his name is Stanley. Need we say more?

6. Former Chairman of the Federal Reserve Alan Greenspan. For one thing, there’s his wife, NBC Chief Foreign Correspondent Andrea Mitchell. She’ll kill you with one glance. And for another, does he have all his teeth? Though we recognize some people are into that sort of thing.

5. Martin Dempsey, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Does he even know how to email? Probably not, which will help in preventing an electronic trail of communication. But it also means he lacks complete control of his bowel movements.

4. WaPo‘s Bob Woodward. While breaking Watergate is undoubtedly among the sexiest political stories in history, you’ll end up in his next book, the wife will get upset, he’s technologically challenged, hearing him talk dirty will not be pleasant, etc…things will get ugly.

3. MSNBC “Hardball” Host Chris Matthews. Let’s just say he’ll interrupt you incessantly and may employ the word “HA!” at prime moments. You really want to go there?

2. FBI Director Robert Mueller. The CIA will want revenge for Petraeus. So probably not the brightest idea for the time being. And despite the sexy silver fox hairdo, do you really want to sleep with a man who looks like this much of a sourpuss?

1. V.P. Joe Biden. He’s a walking gaffe machine and wouldn’t be able to help but blab about it at a presser. Chances are high it will then end up in a White House Pool Report. What’s more, he mentions his wife any chance he gets. You’d be very low on the totem pole. Lastly, with the exception of his wife, evidence indicates he’s into biker chicks who wear leather.