Your giant urine sample came back clean

Dear Dave: Thanks for submitting a urine sample for our annual AdFreak drug screening. We’d share the results, but you know our motto: Pass, fail—it’s all good! Much as we’re impressed with the volume of your posts (and occasionally the quality of them), we are astonished with the volume of your output in this regard. We’re hiring a trucking company to haul away the container, so your paycheck this week may be lighter. You know, this “giant urine sample” idea is exactly the kind of wacky notion that could build some buzz for … oh, let’s say, HealthPartners in Minneapolis.