Thank you for trying my new Web browser

Sure, Google’s Chrome browser is making headlines, so I thank you for making the bold decision to download my new Web browser, Roam 1.0, instead! I call it Roam because it lets you roam the Internet, and all the good names were taken. I also trademarked Slog and Crawl, but those names tested poorly with the focus group, who we’re pretty sure just showed up for the free cocktail wieners. My browser comes pre-loaded with lots of bookmarks, all for earlier products of mine like social networks, search engines, widgets and vlogs. There’s also a link for bankruptcy court, where I spend a lot of time thanks to those other products. Otherwise, my browser is programmed to only visit porn sites, but privacy’s not an issue. Those sites are so hot, they cause your logic board to overheat and explode, so no one will know what you’ve been up to on the Web. Those nervous nellies in the FTC have suggested this is a defect, so we’ve developed a software patch. It won’t fix anything, but installing it will give you something to do while your data fries.

—Posted by David Gianatasio