Here’s the real Yaz. Accept no substitutes.

Imagine what it’s like to be the one and only Yaz, Carl Yastrzemski, and see your nickname usurped by a birth-control pill. It’s one thing to have a sythn-pop group called Yaz (short for Yazoo, actually), but of all products, what could be a worse association for an ardently Catholic athlete than a birth-control pill? If Spike Lee can (absurdly) sue a TV station for calling itself Spike, doesn’t Carl have a case for pharma royalties? In honor of my baseball hero, here are the real answers to the drug company’s Yaz FAQ: • What is Yaz? A Boston Red Sox Hall of Fame baseball player and a member of one of the most elite circles in baseball as the last winner of the Triple Crown in 1967. • How Yaz works: When “Ted Williams” is no longer effective, place “Yaz” in front of the Green Monster. Use throughout the summer months and early fall. Repeat for 3,308 games. • What to expect: 121 RBIs, 44 home runs and a .326 batting average. Results may vary. Contraindications: Using “Yaz” at third base is not recommended except in an emergency. • Additional advantages of Yaz: Seven Gold Glove awards for playing left field.

—Posted by Gregory Solman