Hallmark knows how you feel at all times

Not content with turning happy occasions unbearably corny, Hallmark has set its hackneyed sights on serious problems, namely “depression, eating disorders, and cancer,” with its Journeys collection of cards. Oh, joy. Nothing like being greeted in dire circumstances with an old-timey photo of a baby and an inspiring message like “Cancer is a villain who doesn’t play fair … but it can’t dim your spirit, and it can’t silence prayer.” For additional Oprah-esque smarm, they should add a line drawing of an angel being tied to railroad tracks by a mustache-twirling fiend wearing a “Cancer” T-shirt. Seriously, Hallmark should be stopped before they start determining how people should feel about everything. And while I can’t say I’d off myself in front of well-wishers who gave me one of these (unlike the writer over at the Healthbolt site), I’d certainly be offended that they couldn’t be bothered to write me an actual letter with actual feelings in it. Unless that card contained a big check. That’d brighten up anything.