Get me an iPhone! Pronto!

I want an Apple iPhone. Right now. I cannot survive another moment on this mortal coil without one. It’s a cellphone/iPod/Macintosh hybrid. Sort of. It’s got lots of cutting-edge features that will usher in the next era of the digital revolution. I think it even folds out into a gyrocopter or battery-powered car. Yesterday, a few hours after its introduction, iPhone had already garnered 1,684 mentions on Google News. Nancy Pelosi had 79. Numbers like that don’t lie—the iPhone is BIG, people! There’s a force field and laser beam built in. Or else, there will be—in version 2.0. Jobs is working on it. In fact, iPhone has the power to cloud people’s minds; that’s how Steve’s managed to avoid an indictment over the whole options thing. (The company’s iPhone-powered stock surge got 1,690 mentions. Jobs’ potential legal problems … a mere 29.) Look: the product hasn’t actually shipped, but I’m fairly sure iPhone can feed the hungry and cure sickness. It also prints money. And grants wishes. I’m sure the specs mentioned a cloak of invisibility. It also gives users eternal life. And youth. Plus the ability to travel through time and return it for a full refund. Not that anyone would ever dream of taking an iPhone back. One thing’s for sure: no matter what it actually does, it’s already a lot cooler than Microsoft’s Zune—which got 46 mentions, just in case anybody cared.

—Posted by David Gianatasio