Jimmy Kimmel’s Funniest, Most Blistering 2022 Upfront Jokes

It wouldn’t be upfront week without Jimmy Kimmel’s annual roast during Disney’s presentation. Kimmel returned to the stage Tuesday afternoon at a new venue—New York’s Pier 36—to deliver another monologue skewering his own company and other broadcasters, as has been the tradition since 2003. But while the upfront may have been in-person for the first time since 2019, Kimmel unfortunately was not, telling the audience he tested positive for Covid-19 (for a second time) Tuesday morning, and gave his monologue via Zoom. Here were Kimmel’s best and most withering upfronts jokes from 2022: On Fox’s pre-recorded upfront “I'm live right now about three miles away from a place where people don't care about Covid—Fox. How about those fuckers at Fox yesterday? After two years of telling everyone Covid is a hoax, they trick you into taking an Uber to watch a tape. Can they do that? And more importantly, why didn't we do that?” On Disney’s content direction “When I started doing this, Lost was one of our biggest hits. Now it's our corporate motto. Here at ABC, ESPN, ESPN+, Disney+, FX, FXX, NatGeo, Freeform, Hululemon ... we are one big happy family. And if anyone in Florida asks, a straight family. One mom, one dad, no single uncle living in the guest house. You heard Rita [Ferro, Disney's ad sales chief] say it. We are unrivaled. Which, I don't know, maybe they misspelled unraveled? That would be very us to fuck that up.” On Disney CEO Bob Chapek's opening comments “A Disney CEO has never spoken at the upfront before, and now we know why. Bob, I think I speak for all of us when I say we can't wait to see you in G.I. Jane.” On Disney’s inclusivity “Disney has been so committed to being inclusive and culturally sensitive since everyone started getting mad at us for not.” On 100 years of Disney “It's our 100th anniversary and we're going to celebrate that milestone like only Disney can: by milking the living shit out of it.” On ABC’s ratings “We finished the year last place both in total viewers and in the demo, and yet somehow we are the No. 1 entertainment network for the third year in a row. How is that possible? I'll let you in on a secret: It isn't. It's what they call a false positive.” On hit ABC show Abbott Elementary “It's funny how surprised we are to have a hit. You know when a four-year-old somehow miraculously manages to catch a pop fly in tee-ball? We’re that kid's parents … I want to congratulate Quinta Brunson … on your inevitable nine-figure deal at Netflix. We wish you well, and tell them we said, 'fuck off.'” On Netflix adding ads “Every year I say 'fuck Netflix,' and this year it came true. Netflix lost subscribers for the first time ever. Things are really tough over there, they had layoffs today. I hear they might not even be able to get Emily back from Paris … It sucks, though I have to admit, after those smug bastards choked the life out of us for years, it feels really good to see them stoop to selling advertising. Having to call you scumbags, take you for drinks, kiss your ass.” On The Bachelor “A lot of people are asking how we're going to keep The Bachelor franchise fresh and the answer is very simple. We're not. We are going to keep doing the same shit until everyone has herpes.” On Dancing With the Stars leaving ABC for Disney+ “We're moving a show watched almost exclusively by senior citizens to a platform watched almost exclusively by children and adult virgins. And that's exactly why we're unrivaled.” On Tom Brady signing with Fox Sports “Fox doesn't have any money for new shows this year because they gave all their money to Tom Brady. $375 million to Tom Brady. What is even going to do with all that money? He eats like once a week.” On NBC, This Is Us and the Winter Olympics “NBC had a long winter and we fucking loved every minute of it. NBC said goodbye to their megahit drama This Is Us, a show that dared to ask the question, 'Can a Lifetime movie be six years long?' The only thing sadder than the finale of This Is Us were the ratings for the Winter Olympics. NBC paid almost $8 billion for what turned out to be the lowest-rated Olympics of all time. I have to say it's surprising the viewers didn't think watching skiers doing jumps in the shadow of a deserted nuclear power plant was the feel-good story of the year.” On declining ratings “The more viewers we lose, the more money you give us. What kind of message is this sending? You know if you keep doing this, we're never going to learn. Let's be honest, our days are numbered. Of course the streamers are crushing us. We're a fax machine five years after they invented email.” On the move to streaming “There are too many pluses to compete with. Disney+, Hulu+, Paramount+, Discovery+, Apple TV+. It's a clusterfuck out there. There's even a Crackle+ and that's not a joke. Whoever thought we needed a Crackle+ must be smoking crack.” On YouTube joining upfront week “YouTube shouldn't be allowed to have an upfront, YouTube is not television. YouTube is medicine we use to tranquilize our children. And are you really going to give money to the assholes who came up with the 'skip ad' button?” His parting pitch to advertisers “I know this all seems like a bunch of bullshit. But it's not. We're not bullshitting you, we’re 'storytelling.' Yes, our ratings are in the toilet right now. But with your financial support, they could be in one of those fancy Japanese toilets ... Just remember this: This company owns everything. We just want you to spend your money with us. And if you don't, then I died of Covid for no reason.”