Just Asking

I would market the eight-track to all the people who feel overwhelmed and isolated from the iPod phenomena. I would create fashion accessories so that ET could be played from inside your pocket, shirt or pants, or stuck into your gimme cap. There would be the ubiquitous post or button that you slam to change tracks. Unwieldy, uncool, slightly retro. A marketing opportunity made in heaven.

X-ray specs. Maybe it would help the airport security. Could be marketed as ‘Save time at airport lines. X-ray your fellow passengers!’

Enjolie perfume, whose sassy and highly stereotypical jingle is one of the first I can recall from my impressionable childhood. I mean, the ‘Enjolie’ woman fries bacon in a pan while she’s making gobs of cash, and apparently blows her man’s mind in the sack, all because of a spritz of Enjolie. And besides, bacon is just plain delicious. I mean, who needs fancy marketing when bacon is involved? People love bacon.

Vinyl records, and I would figure out some way, other than eBay, to market them on the Internet.

With the ’80s becoming what the ’70s were in the ’90s (my head hurts), the masses are ready for the power of the parachute. We could package them with matching bandanas and sleeveless ‘I can’t drive 55’ concert shirts. The TV ad: 30-something white guys doing the robot. Break out the Jolt Cola and Pop Rocks and sign me up.