Inspiration meets innovation at Brandweek, the ultimate marketing experience. Join industry luminaries, rising talent and strategic experts in Phoenix, Arizona this September 23–26 to assess challenges, develop solutions and create new pathways for growth. Register early to save.
As the moon leaves SXSW and enters into the Spring Conference Awakening, it is time to refocus and reset on your KPIs for the season. There are lots of new social platforms and products that lie ahead for us marketers, which will give you the chance to prove to your client that you are that expert you say you are. And despite being TikTok challenged out and Zoomed out, there is ripe opportunity to find the creativity within yourself to create remarkable campaigns. Here’s to being on the cusp of viral success.
Find out how you can optimize this moment by reading your #MarketingHoroscopes*!
(Editor’s note: This is a satirical piece.)
Aquarius
Don’t double-check your copy for spelling errors because it’s the only way to show your followers that humans actually manage the brand accounts. Stay in your flow.
Pisces
When in doubt, adapt whatever Wendy’s Twitter account just posted. If it works for them, it’ll work for your client, too.
Aries
If your latest campaign is not doing as well as you hoped, delete the whole thing and repost it a month—or three—later. If folks didn’t like it in February, maybe they’ll like it in June! Don’t hesitate, fire away.
Sagittarius
Looking for something to do? Sign up for that marketing conference that’s happening. You don’t have to attend; however, you should watch the recap video, follow the hashtag, post that prewritten attendee social cop and add the event filter frame to your profile in case your boss asks you about it later.
Taurus
Next time your boss offers you the opportunity to expand your team, tell them no. You’re a proud team of one who can do anything the development, finance, program, recruitment, field, policy, communications or operations departments give you.
Gemini
We know you doubly love #MarketingTwitter. Being part of a digital community that’s trying to amplify the work and experience of digital marketers is what you’ve been dreaming of for so long! So don’t worry about that IG story you posted yesterday getting trashed. No one follows your IG anyway so they’ll never know.
Cancer
Start an email thread next time you’re upset with your client. But first, getting your thoughts out into the internet before talking to your client about an issue is a much better approach, especially since they follow your personal account.
Leo
Send that tweet that’s been sitting in your draft folder since 2018 from both the brand account and your personal account. Even if it’s off-topic for one account, you’ll still be able to count the engagement of both toward your monthly KPIs.
Virgo
For your next monthly report, don’t waste your time by creating a deck that provides in-depth analysis and recommendations on how to improve your strategy. Instead, send your team the Excel sheet with all the raw data you pulled from each platform with no calculations or context. They keep asking you if you calculated the engagement rate correctly, so why not let them do it themselves?
Libra
Lowering your monthly KPI goal mid-month because you won’t reach your benchmarks is the best way to ensure success every month. Who cares if you aren’t meeting your goals? What’s important is that your vanity metrics look impressive.
Scorpio
It doesn’t matter if you get one or 1 million impressions. Share your insights on how Myspace is the real leading social platform of 2021. After all, what good is your opinion if you don’t share it?
Capricorn
Colorful squares: Do them, create them, become them. It doesn’t matter that you work for Save The Whales and post content only about whales; the internet needs to know that your performative activism is real.
*#MarketingHoroscopes are not real and will not lead to good results. Please don’t apply these strategies; you will lose your job.
