Intern Insights: A Note From Departing Faceless Intern ryan to His Replacement

By Matt Van Hoven 

It’s no secret that I hate faceless intern ryan. He had a penchant for calling me Sunday (WTF?) to say he was too hungover from his various light-beer-fests to make it in on Monday. Or he’d call in at like 10 am, when he’s supposed to arrive at work, and say he missed the train. F*cking intern &#151 luckily, he was accepting of my constant verbal harassment which at times came from across the room for all to hear. He’d just smile like you’d expect the Green Giant would after “passing gas” (fart joke!). Anyway he cleaned out his crap today and we let him write one last post. And it wouldn’t be an intern insight if I didn’t rip it to shreds, like I do.

Note: ryan has no idea we have been planning since he started to use this photo we found on his Facebook page. Just look at his stupid face.

A note from the intern, to the intern (shut up, ryan):

Should you be savvy enough to beat out the competition for this highly coveted position, you’ll probably be wondering what comes next. Once aboard, there are a few requirements that are absolutely necessary, but undoubtedly not listed anywhere (yeah, like not being a douche bag; hint &#151 you failed).

Except for here (oh great, now he’s going to make a list):

&#151It is of utmost importance that you are able to get the references, and be able to quote obscure television and movie references from the late 80’s. If you are unable to do so, you will quickly be shunned by the likes of those who produce The Week in Advertising (It’s 70s references, noob).

&#151To continue with the theme of regurgitating TV, if your passion for Family Guy is considered anything short of fanatical, once again, the clan will shun you and you will be left to fend for human interaction on your own (Family Guy is what we all want to be. Anyone who doesn’t like it is a fascist, fascist).

&#151By no means, under any circumstances can you be [or ever have been] considered a noob. As a matter of fact, if your WoW account doesn’t have at least one level 80 character on it, just give up now (now you’re just making sh*t up; but as long as we’re airing dirty laundry, ryan is a lesbian).

&#151You have to have the innate ability to write exceedingly corny jokes. The “fake” persona Matt puts on in front of the camera pulls them off well (I accept all compliments, especially backhanded ones).

&#151You have to have developed your palate to welcome the fine taste of whiskey early and often. It’s five o’clock somewhere (Wow, easy Buffet. The phrase is, “it’s whiskey:thirty”, or for a more obscure reference, “should we take another look?”)!

And Finally, the perhaps most important piece of advice I can give you: you must worship MadMen with an undying passion. Seriously. If you don’t like the show, you can go f*ck yourself (finally, something I agree with. Now onto the next sucker…er intern).

Best of Luck! (you had one last chance to offer a funny sign off and you go with “best of luck”?)

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