Departing Copywriter Thanks Every Single Innocean Employee in His Goodbye Note

By Patrick Coffee 

Matt League is a copywriter. We know that he has been working at Innocean for the past three and a half years but will be leaving for another gig.

We also know that his work on the 2014 Hyundai Super Bowl campaign landed him on Business Insider’s 30 Under 30 list for that year, and that he sent out a very, very extensive last day goodbye note today to his soon-to-be-former colleagues. Like, every one of them.

Based on our reading of this case study in obsessive compulsive behavior (the good kind), it would seem that League didn’t really know or work directly with quite a few of his co-workers. As he asks one Innoceaner, “Are you the Michelle who let me have her French fries that one time?”

There’s a bit of repetition in here, but it still totally scales. League tells us it was less a project than a last-minute idea that kept him up until 2 AM last night.

Here’s the full email…all 343 entries and 4,774 words of it.

Innocean friends, after nearly 3.5 years, it’s time for us to finally part ways. So how do you say goodbye to 343 of the best people you’ve ever had the pleasure of working with? You do it the gosh darn way they deserve. One person at a time. (scroll to find your personalized goodbye)

A

XXX – Ah, XXX. We had some good times, didn’t we? Remember all the laughs we shared waiting for our morning coffee in the cafe? I’ll never forget that joke you told me that one time. How did it go, again?

Allen, James – James, you were like a brother to me. In the sense that my brother lives 1200 miles away and we don’t really talk that often.

An, Calvin – I’ll always be your Hobbs.

An, Rachel – Rachel! We’ve known each other since we were in diapers! I can’t believe we just discovered we both work together! I can’t believe fate is tearing us apart again!

Anderson, Leslie – I’ll always admire you for your ability to hold 12-second conversations in elevators.

Arentsen, Jason – We were close in seating proximity. And close in heart proximity.

Artaserse, Theresa – I was in a really dark place there for a little bit. But you, Theresa Artaserse (is that Italian?) were there to pull me out.

Ashby, Charlie – You had some really good hats, man. Reallly good hats.

Austin, Eddie – Every day at 3:16, I looked for you at the end of the pier. I wanted you to be there in cut-off jean shorts and a Stone Cold Steve Austin T. I wanted it so bad.

 

B

Baek, Kay – Kay, what can I say that hasn’t already been said in our three years of working together?

Barkhurst, Jackie – You were my first art director. My last art director. My everything art director.

Barrand, Sheila – Your last name might sound a bit “barren”. But the fields of our work relationship were anything but.

Barry, Jeff – Don’t think I haven’t noticed what I imagine to be a pretty strict workout regimen.

Beak, Patrick – We’ll always have the Bridge.

Bergman, Joe – The best “How’s it goin’?” head nod in the business.

Betts, Brian – The best “Almost Friday” head nod in the business.

Bierley, Craig – The best “Really been workin’ on my head nod” head nod in the business.

Bissell, Jill – Bissell! The Biz! The Biz Kid! Gettin’ Bissell with it!

Bittker, Brian – I’ll never forget that time I asked you for product specs and you gave them to me. What a guy.

Black, Hilary – Fastest email replier this side of the Mississippi.

Blett, Tim – Sometimes I would poke my head into your office when you weren’t there, just to see what success smells like.

Borgatta Liuzzi, Chrissy – Big fan of repeating syllables, those Borgattas.

Boyd, Chanel – No one will ever be able to fill the Boyd you’re leaving in my life.

Brady, James – I remember that time you dropped your pen. We both reached for it, and for a brief moment our hands brushed together. I felt it. And I think you felt it, too.

Butler, Christy – Don’t worry, the family secret you told me at the holiday party is safe with me.

 

C

Cagney, Andrea – Remember, Andrea: a little avocado and olive oil from tips to roots for that next-level shine!

Cannalonga, Fabrizia – Thanks for the cookies!

Chaney, Peter – What are you going to do with your book of Jesus jokes without me?

Chang, Hasun – Don’t got Chang’in on me!

Charnis, Tanya – Remember what happened yesterday on our way to that meeting? Ahh, those were the days.

Cheng, Suzanne – I’ve tried to impart as much of my Greek Yogurt knowledge on you as I could. I just hope it was enough.

Chin, Jeff – I left a $10 bill for you somewhere in the office. Your first clue is: Burt Reynolds’ moustache.

Cho, Chris – I never thought I would meet anyone who likes dinosaurs as much as I do and then I found you!

Choe, Michelle – Are you the Michelle who let me have her French fries that one time?

Choi, Diana – Meet you all the way! (ba-duh-duh-duh!) Dianaaa yeahhh!

Chow, Lawrence – I hope Dennis Quaid’s story of triumph and perseverance in the Disney classic “The Rookie” is as much an inspiration to you as it was to me.

Chow, MJ – Remember that time I held the café door open for you? Because I remember. Oh, I remember.

Chow, Stan – My man!

Clemens, Heidi – Remember, Heidi, only YOU can prevent forest fires!

Cliburn, Scott – Remember, Scott, D.A.R.E. to say no to drugs!

Cole, Art – Art Cole. You sound like a man who knows a thing or two about life.

Collins, Parker – I left you my “Ice Road Truckers” DVD collection (with director commentary). I know how much you loved that show.

Comer, Paige – So we turn the Paige and say goodbye and walk away from everything!

Conway, Reed – Please take care of the hot sauce in my absence. You were always like a father to them.

Corotan, Nick – You sound like you should be off exploring ancient ruins somewhere.

Coventry, Melanie – You sound like you have a hidden room behind your bookcase.

Crandall, Jene – Jene Crandall! The Cranberry Kid! You sure were a heck of a ballplayer back in your day.

Crisostomo, Elisa – No mo Crisostomo 🙁

Cronin, Jeff – Jeff, what’s happened to us? We’ve gone and let ourselves get old. What happened to the dreams we talked about, Jeff? What happened to Morocco?

Cruz, Jasmine – I only wish I could have shown you “A Whole New World”.

Cunningham, Jen – Please do remember to chew your food at least 32 times while I’m gone.

 

D

Dalli, Damien – I’ll never forget our German sausage cook-offs. It was the best of times. It was the wurst of times.

Damm, Alex – They be, they be sayin’ DAMM! You got some big feet!

Daniel, Imke – Think about that WWF trading card deal I offered you. Hulk Hogan for Ric Flair is more than a fair deal.

Davidson, Bret – I know it was you who stole my scissors. I’ve known this whole time.

Davis, Ann – Here’s lookin’ at you kid! (points finger gun in Ann’s direction)

Davis, Carey – Carey on my wayward son.

Davis, Lon – You have the right to remain… excellent.

Davis, Michael – It’s like Elle Woods says in “Legally Blonde” – Bend and snap!

Davison, Mike – It’s like Elle Woods says in “Legally Blonde 2” – I didn’t know I could be this happy without incurring credit card debt!

DeVries, Maximo – It’s like Annie Woods said in the 2009 straight to DVD film “Legally Blondes” – Imagine, summer clothes all year round!

DiBiagio, Bryan – No. 1 in my heart. No. 62 of 343 in my goodbye email.

Dintzner, Derek – Don’t think I’ve forgotten about that time you took the last slice of pizza. I never forget a last slice of pizza.

Diver, Shane – I still haven’t recovered from finding out your last name isn’t pronounced with a long I.

Dollis, Hayes – We shoulda taken a left turn at Albuquerque.

Dominguez, Devondra – My great grandpappy was right about you! Sweetest girl this side of the Rio Grande.

Dutton, Eric – Oh no! I’ve been calling you ‘Derek’ this whole time! How embarrassing!

 

E

Ellison, Julie – I’m sorry I told the entire office you like chocolate chips in your pancakes. I realize now what an egregious error that was.

Eslinger, Jose – One day I will also have a child, and with it, the power of the Dad Joke.

Estrada, Stephen – I hope you’ve forgiven me for bailing on our “Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights” night. Now if only I could forgive myself.

Eukovich, Brittany – We’ve gone Down For Garth. Perhaps someday he’ll return the favor.

 

F

Farjo, Jonathan – You’re gonna go Far(jo), kid.

Fessenden, Amanda – My mother told me never to trust a girl named Amanda. Well, my mother was wrong.

Fink, Jamie – Out of all the cubicles in all the offices in all the world, you had to walk into this one.

Fisher, Paula – We’ll always have Mexico.

Flora, Nicholas – We’ll always have Venice.

Fogel, Brad – We’ll always have Rome.

Frankel, Alex – We’ll always have Tahiti.

Freight, Nigel – We’ll always have Comic Sans.

French, Montez – My great grandpappy was right about you. Hardest worker this side of the Colorado!

Frost, Brian – Things started off a bit “Frosty” but we’ve certainly warmed up to each other!

Funiestas, Mike – Mike, my good man. We thought this day would never come. And now it’s here.

 

G

Gamez, Edgar – Teach me how to Gamez.

Garcia, Angel – Seems like only yesterday we were toddlers splashing around in the kiddie pool together!

Gentry, Kirt – I think you left your pen at my desk. Is it the blue one?

Georgieff, Chris – I always thought you would make an excellent Jeff Goldblum impersonator.

Gerstner, Charles – Charles Gerstner’s not just good, he’s Gerrrreat!

Godfrey, Stephanie – My great great grandpappy was right about you. Smartest gal this side of the Chattahoochee!

Gogley, Ben – Think about what I said about the Google law suit. I think we have a good case for encroaching on intellectual last name likeness.

Goldberg, Barney – I’m sorry I didn’t build you a better Elantra campaign, Barney. (at this point I’m just regurgitating ‘Titanic’ quotes and hoping no one notices)

Gomez, Antonio – I bet you hate Antonio Banderes for the levels of sexiness he has associated with your first name.

Gomez, Josh – We were always just like ships passing in the alley in the night.

Gomez, Nicole – Remember that time we got sand in our socks at the beach and it was just the worst! Ohh, memories!

Gordon, Megan – Are you related to Natalie Gordon? If not, you two should totally meet up. I bet you have SO much in common.

Gordon, Natalie – See above.

Goston, Tiana – You were my Chevy Silverado. You were my rock.

Gray, Darian – I have your notepad. If you want it back bring $5,000 in unmarked bills to Dos Toros at noon. Come alone.

Graziano, Maria – I hope you’re living the life just like a movie star, Maria, Maria.

Guzman, Lauren – Just keep swiping, just keep swiping. Oh wait, you’re not on Tinder you’re married!

 

H

Hajimomen, Matthew – Nice name, bro.

Halas, Chris – Somehow I’ve come to own three motorcycle shirts. And zero motorcycles.

Ham, Tanner – I always wanted to don you with the nickname of “The Ham”. Perhaps in my stead, someone with more courage than I will do so.

Hansen, Brente – I think Creed best described our relationship: IIIowyonnabeithyouuuu!

Hart, Michael – Are you a fan of the late-90s/early-00s WWF family wrestling dynasty, The Harts? Yeah me too.

Hathaway, McKay – Screw Anne. I’m on #TeamMcKay

Heins, Corissa – Are you a big Melissa Joan Hart fan? Are you a fan of explaining it all?

Henderson, Erica – I have your stapler. If you want it back bring $5,000 in unmarked bills to Dos Toros at noon. Bring tequila. And some staples.

Hill, Shareen – If Innocean was a yearbook, I’d vote you best dressed any day.

Hoogenakker, David – My great great great grandpappy was right about you. Toughest SOB this side of the Missouri!

Hosmann, Kevin – What a hoss, man…

Hubler, Morgan – Yours was the hair that kept me going. Yours was the inspiration.

Hunt, Jamie – I say you and the guy/gal below you battle it out Thunderdome style for name supremacy.

Hutter, Jamie – See above.

 

J

Jafri, Shamsa – If Monday was a pit of quick sand, you were the low-hanging vine I could always reach to pull me out.

Jensen, Cynthia – If Tuesday was a succubus, you were the lady-bro who awoke me to her evil ways.

Jimenez, Joanne – If Wednesday was black licorice, you were my knight in Twizzler armor.

Johnson, Brad – If Thursday was a downhill slope, you were my Radio Flyer wagon.

Johnson, Jason – If Friday was a jailbreak, you were my getaway car.

Johnston, Jeff – If Saturday was a Celine Dion concert, you were my Ride Or Die B.

Judd, Bridgett – If Sunday was a brunch, you were my bottomless mimosa.

Jun, Steve – Reaalllly screwin’ up this whole seven days of the week thing I had going. J/k <3 you, Steve.

 

K

Kaigler, Zach – It’s 11 pm and I’m writing goodbye notes, the majority of which will never be read. I hold you partially responsible for this.

Kang, Rose – I get a little bit Genghis Kang!

Karim, AJ – I always wanted to arm wrestle you. I’m sorry we never got the chance.

Katool, Joseph – I think Meatloaf best described our relationship with the hit classic “Bat Out of Hell”.

Keller, Mike – I bet you rue the day that Helen decided she wanted to be famous.

Kennedy, Evan – The beard is strong in this one.

Kern, Jerry – I should probably start using some “Office Space” references.

Kim, Claire – Reeeally wish I knew more “Office Space” references.

Kim, Jennifer – Something about TPS reports.

Kim, John – Something about a stapler.

Kim, Minseok – Look, I’m not saying I wish YOU didn’t work at Innocean right about now. I’m just saying after 200 goodbye notes I wish a lot of SOMEONES didn’t work at Innocean right about now.

Kindle, Kathleen – Don’t you hate it when people type ‘KK’ in text messages? Almost as bad as the single ‘K’.

Klein, Amy – I have your favorite pen. If you want it back bring $5,000 in unmarked bills to TK Burget at one. Bring ketchup.

Koo, Hoon – I’ve always admired the ratio of O’s to not O’s in your name.

Koshy, Kiran – Hi, Kiran. Do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior, Taco Tuesday?

Krause, Amy – Remember that long talk we had on the beach? Or was that another Amy? Or was that another Matt??

Krisl, Anne – Out of the hundreds of BFFs I made at Innocean, you were the most B.

Kuo, Eddie – I’ve always wanted to know, who’s your favorite Little Rascal?

Kuroye, Gwen – You know what they say, a Gwen is a Gwen.

Kwasigroch, Nina – Nina fina fo fina, me my mo mina, Nina fo fina. Nina!

 

L

Larson, Theresa – Do you ever think that the Baconator was simply ahead of its time?

Lavdas, Debbie – You give Debbie’s a GOOD name! (sang to the tune of Jon Bon)

Lee, Hosub – What have LEE here?

Lee, Jason – Take it or LEEve it!

Lee, Jennifer – HoLEE moLEE!

Lee, Josh – LEEn on me!

Levine, Carissa – I have your cereal. If you want it back bring $5,000 in unmarked bills to TK Burget at one. Bring Sriracha.

Lewin, Aimee – If the moon was made of Baconator, would ya eat it?

Liev, Meng – We coulda been contenders!

Lim, Irene – Man, we really filled out some time sheets didn’t we, Irene? We filled ‘em out good!

Lind, Nicholas – I’m sorry about what Mr. Sparks has done to you.

Lombard, Carol – You would get my Lombard(i) Trophy any day!

Long, Jenny – This goodbye email has slowly descended into me making bad puns out of people’s names. But NOT your name, Jenny Long! Not your name…

Lopez, Lisa – Don’t make a TLC joke, don’t make a TLC joke, don’t make a TLC joke…

Lugar, Joel – They tried to give me the nickname of Loogie in grade school. I hope you didn’t suffer the same fate.

Lum, Patty – My mom is also named Patty! D’oh, we would have been the BEST of friends!

Lynch, Chris – I think Beyoncé best described our relationship with the hit classic “Bootylicious”.

 

M

Mach, Sofia – Your profound views on the “Twilight” saga changed my life forever.

Mackenzie, Rachel – I went to kindergarten with a girl whose first name was Mackenzie. Crazy world we live in.

Mai, Jack – Looks like I’m the one that’s hitting the road this time, Jack.

Marello, Nick – Chicago is so beautiful! The grass is greener! The birds are chirpier! The exposed brick is exposier!

Marinkovic, Marisstella – If your last name started with an “A” instead of an “M” this note would be much better.

Markiewicz, Marcin – We’ll always have the sausage maker.

Marquez, Patricia – I think Garth Brooks best described our relationship with the hit classic “Rodeo”.

Martin, Lori – Remember that time we had improv class together? Boy howdy!

Matheu, Amy – My only wish is that some day you will see the truth and the light that waffle fry is king!

Matthews, Lawrence – Our relationship was like a Michael Bay film: too much lense flare and not enough Megan Fox.

McAdams, Jade – I have your push pins. If you want them back bring $5,000 in unmarked bills to TK Burget at one. Come with jalapenos.

Mejia, Anthony – Out of all the Anthony’s I’ve ever known, you were by far the best.

Mesfin, David – Out of all the David’s I’ve ever known, you were also the best.

Miller, Kristen – Miller?! I hardly know ‘er!

Molina, Edgar – Your profound views on the “Legally Blonde” trilogy changed my life forever.

Moon, Gregory – Just like Zach and the gang sang in that classic “Saved by the Bell” episode, we’re gonna be frieeends forever!

Moore, Melissa – Remember that Rednex concert we went to back in ’94? Boy, we sure were Cotton Eye Joe’ing all over the place weren’t we?

Morrissey, Allison – Allison Wonderland?

Muckenthaler, Scott – This guy definitely won’t Muck things up…

 

N

Natividad, Chester – If your last name started with an “A” instead of an “N” this note would be much better.

Neibel, Valerie – “I don’t know much, but I know I enjoyed working with you! And that may beee all I need to know!”

Nichols, Lisa – You’re worth far more than Nichols in my book.

Nieto, Lindsey – Your profound views on the “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” filmography changed my life forever.

 

O

O’Neill, Alison – Your profound views on the Baconator changed my life forever.

Ocepek, Lisa – If Innocean were a yearbook I’d vote your “Most Likely To Succeed” any day!

Osorio, Charlles – You kids and your crazy two L’s in Charlles names.

 

P

Palmer, Doug – Are you that guy from “Crocodile Tears”?

Park, Alex – Remember that time we both wore the same shirt to work on the same day? Boy, that was embarrassing!

Park, Brian – I’ve known more than a few Brian’s in my day. True story.

Park, Cedric – I think Chopin best described our relationship in his Nocturne op. 9 no. 2.

Partnoff, Tiffany – Have I told you lately that I love the Baconator?

Pass, Rich – I have that one print out from your desk with the really funny saying on it. If you want it back bring $5,000 in unmarked bills to the pier at two. Bring extra shorts.

Pautazzo, Gina – Remember that Soulja Boy concert we went to back in ’07? Boy, we were cranking that (Soulja Boy) all over the place weren’t we?

Pavlik, Claire – To you, Claire Pavlik, I leave my desk plant. Keep it. Water it. Love it.

Perry, Lester – I loved you in “2017 Elantra Briefing”.

Peterson, Cassaundra – Your profound views on Hollywood Hulk Hogan changed my life forever.

Pham-Bui, Nguyet – Consider me a Fan Boy of Pham-Bui!

Phan, Tam – Innocean Banner Ad Champions 2013!

Phillips, Darrell – We’ll always have the “hold onto your butts” email.

Phillips, Jessica – Remember that Baauer concert we went to back in ’12? Boy, we were Harlem Shaking all over the place weren’t we?

Pool, Jill – There aren’t enough crying faces in the Emojiverse to express how I’m feeling right now.

Poole, Brandon – Remember that Petey Pablo concert we went to back in ’01? Boy, we sure had those shirts waving like helicopters, didn’t we?

Powers, Christy – If your last name started with an “A” instead of an “P” this note would be much better.

Presiado, Arnie – Man, we had some crazy times, Arnie! Crazy times!

 

Q

Quon, Jeremy – Jeremy, I want you to be in charge of the Hawaiian Shirt Thursday legacy from here on.

Qushair, Ureesha – Ureesha, I don’t really trust Jeremy to carry on the Hawaiian Shirt Thursday legacy so will you take on this task in the case of his inevitable failure?

 

R

Rachner, Ashley – Stay cool.

Radman, Michelle – Stay #blessed

Ramirez, Esther – Stay #swole

Rana, Sanjay – Stay #AtAHolidayInnExpress

Ratliff, Joshua – Your profound views on Affliction outerwear changed my life forever.

Rayburn, Bob – I would have gone with you to the end. Into the very fires of Mordor!

Receptionist, Innocean – I’ll miss deleting all of your emails. I’ll miss it so much.

Reed, Cassie – There aren’t enough sad faces in the Emojiverse to describe how sad I am to be leaving you.

Regenberg, Celia – Remember what I said about Hammer Pants stocks. Buy low, sell high!

Reneman, Jason – Your transition-from-casual-talk-to-business-talk game has come so far. *tear*

Reusing, Zach – And when you stare into the abyss of a 343-person goodbye email, the abyss stares also into you.

Reyes, Janelle – The woods are lovely, dark, and deep. But I have promises to keep. And miles of goodbye notes to write before I sleep.

Reynoso, Kelsey – I CAN’T HEAR THE LAUGHTER ANYMORE.

Roberts, Jesse – I never told you this, but your swagger always reminded me of Jack Palance.

Rodriguez, Josue – I never told you this, but your musk always reminded me of Jack Palance.

Rodriguez, Pita – If your last name started with an “A” and not an “R” this note would be much better.

Rogers, Rebecca – I think Shania Twain best described our relationship with her hit classic “Man, I Feel Like a Woman”.

Romero, Alex – Don’t. Ever. Stop. Flossing.

Romero, Jimmy – I hope our families can still summer in the Hamptons together.

Ronkoske, Mike – I hope our families can still vacation in the Himalayas together.

Russell, Marc – I hope our families can still eat at the KFC/Taco Bell together.

 

S

Saavedra, Nadia – I’ve been meaning to ask where you stand on the issue of traffic circles?

Salas, Yasmin – I’ve been meaning to ask where you stand on the issue of parallel parking?

Salazar, Ben – I’ve been meaning to ask where you stand on the issue of open-toed shoes in the workplace?

Sales, Michelle – I’ve been meaning to ask where you stand on the issue of gay clown marriage?

Salvatierra, Lizzie – I’ve been meaning to ask where you stand on the issue of the Baconator?

Samuels, Kohl – I’ve been meaning to ask where you stand on the issue of fun control?

Sanson, Barb – I’ve been meaning to ask where you stand on the issue of hardwood flooring?

Sapanos, Melanie – I’ve been meaning to ask where you stand on the issue of standing on issues?

Saul, Chad – I’ve always wanted to ask you how to cope with the internal struggle of pie vs. cake. And now, it’s too late.

Schiller, Lori – Remember what I said about elevator stocks. Buy low, sell high!

Schmidt, Kelly – Keep working on that British accent. It goes a long ways in this business.

Schmitz, Rick – I hope your moon is made of cheese. And I hope you eat it.

Schneider, Erin – Remember that time in third grade when your Tamagotchi died? It was me. I killed your Tamagotchi.

Schneiderjohn, Barbara – If we ever eloped, I would take your last name.

Schnitzer, Darin – “We’re in deep Schnit now”.

Schrader, Steven – It’s like Jack Palance always said, “Confidence is very sexy, don’t you think?”

Sellers, Diana – If your last name started with an “A” and not an “S” this note would be much better.

Sete, Sepa – Remember that DJ Casper concert we went to back in ’00? Boy, we were Cha Cha Sliding all over the place weren’t we?

Seymour, Duran – I’m sorry we never got to have that talk about the birds and the bees.

Sibala, Leonard – I’m sorry we never got to have that talk about Burt’s Bees.

Sirhal, Sabrina – I’m sorry we never got to have that talk about the Bee Gees.

Smith, Jill – I’m sorry we never got to have that talk about the B-52s.

Son, Sung – You were right, Jack Palance’s best role WAS “City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold”!

South, Michelle – Your profound views on the Weiner schnitzel changed my life forever.

Spencer, Nicolette – If I’d worked as hard on the last round of Super Bowl as I have on this email maybe we would have made TWO spots together…

Springer, Eric – Just remember, you can’t spell “S-u-c-c-e-s-s” without “E-r-i-c”. I mean, you can. But you get what I’m saying.

St Pierre, Ebby – I’ve always thought of you as the Bill Belichick of our generation.

Steffen, Beth – KIT!

Stephens, Laura – We should go shopping sometime!

Stone, Mike – We should go ride go karts sometime!

Streadback, Danny – We should go fishing sometime!

Stremel, John – We should get painfully full on burritos sometime!

Striefler, Frank – When you first saw the Baconator did you think to yourself, “science has finally gone too far”?

 

T

Terashima, Mitsuyo – I always pictured you as more of a hot dog guy.

Thomas, Greg – I always pictured you as more of a Capri Sun guy.

Timerson, Nicole – I always pictured you as more of a “Devil Wears Prada” gal.

Ting, Tricia – My only sin was that I caked too much.

Touhey, Justin – I always pictured you as more of a Dolph Lundgren guy.

Tsukahira, Andrew – I always pictured you as more of an Earl Grey tea guy.

Turpin, Miles – The rest of the world might not have gotten to fall in love with our retail campaigns. But WE got to fall in love with our retail campaigns.

 

V

Valbuena, Mylene – Remember what I said about Fanny Packs stock. Buy low, sell high!

Valdez, Shefali – I think Debussy best described our relationship in his classic “Clair De Lune”.

Valenzuela, Edgar – Your profound views on the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster changed my life forever.

Vezzani, Joe – Remember that Marcia Griffiths concert we went to back in ’82? Boy, we were Electric Sliding all over the place weren’t we?

Vickers, Morgan – Do you think anyone else is reading this?

Vincent, Nyaze – If your last name started with an “A” and not a “V” this note would be much better.

Volonte, Vanessa – “Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it’s my very good honour to meet you and you may call me V.”

Votta, Gessenia – Sorry for those times I got all up… Gessenia bizness!

 

W

Wagner, Mark – If the Baconator existed in the same time frame as the Terminator, how do you think this would have affected the future of humanity?

Walbert, Laura – Remember that Los del Rio concert we went to back in ’93? Boy, we were doing the Macarena all over the place weren’t we?

Wautlet, Jessica – Jessica, to you I leave my “Cheaters” DVD collection. (Remember that show? Remember how great it was??)

Werner, Rachel – Your profound views on pocket sand as a primary form of self-defense changed my life forever.

Wetmore, Bradley – You, sir are a gentleman, a scholar, and an editor.

White, Dia – Remember what I said about Moon Shoes stock. Buy low, sell high!

Wilhelm, Andrew – Look at me. You’re the Brunch Captain now!

Wilson, Diana – I know it’s supposed to be, like, forever but I’m going to need the other half of that BFF necklace back.

Wisely, David – Remember that one time I thought you were waving to me but you were actually waving to the person BEHIND ME? Talk about awkward!

Witting, John – Smells like Jack Palance Teen Spirit.

Wong, Johnson – If your last name started with an “A” and not a “W” this note would be much better.

 

X

Xie, Angel – All my exes live in Texas. All Innocean’s X’s live right here.

 

Y

Year, Kevin – Remember what I said about Dip ‘n Dots stock. Buy low, sell high!

Yi, Diana – If you ever want to get the Buttercream Gang back together, you know where to find me.

Yoon, Neena – If your last name started with an “A” and not a “Y” this note would be much better.

York-Vargas, Chelsea – Remember that Ray Anthony concert we went to back in ’52? Boy, were doing the Hokey Pokey all over the place weren’t we?

Yoshihara, Tommy – I’m sorry about “Rocky 5”.

Yoshimura, Steve – You’re the best Steve I’ve ever known. And I grew up in the 90s, so I’ve known a lot of Steves.

Young, Scott – Don’t listen to Paul McCartney, YOU are the walrus. Coo coo ka choo!

Yuh, Karen – Your profound views on potato guns changed my life forever.

 

Z

Zayti, James – It’s a topsy turvy world, James. And maybe the problems of two people don’t amount to a hill of beans, but this is our hill! And these are our beans!

Zimmerman, Pat – My mom’s name is Pat, I wonder if you two have met?

Zuniga, Veronica – [insert Lord of the Rings ‘it’s over’ meme]

 

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