Condom Wars Can Limit Casualties (Updated)

By Jordan Teicher 

Safe sex is getting dirty…sort of. Rival brands Sir Richard’s Condom Company and Help Remedies are squaring off in a good ole’ fashioned condom clash, a battle of contraception that will inevitably lead to mass population control and smarter decisions.

To get “Help I’m Horny” condoms, a customer has to fill out a very brief, cheeky online application. Recently, Sir Richard’s launched an uncombative attack on the “rigorous” application process with a press release, stating: “Sir Richard’s is committed to sexual democracy and we believe nobody should have to qualify to practice safe sex.” We’ve seen this type of droll behavior from Richard’s in the past.

No word yet on the impending retaliation, but be sure to watch out for those who speak softly and carry a big stick. Guerrilla warfare can get messy, especially when latex is involved. You can read full Sir Richard’s reply after the jump. Update: Sir Richard’s and its part-owner TDA are amplifying their efforts with some Facebook header/e-cards. Check them out as well if you please after jump.

“Sir Richard’s is committed to sexual democracy and we believe  nobody should have to qualify to practice safe sex. Full disclosure,  I myself lack basic eye-hand coordination and have no sense of rhythm, which greatly impairs my skills in bed and racquet sports.

On numerous occasions my enthusiasm coupled with these limitations has lead to serious injuries to myself and some of my partners. For myself and the millions of well-intended but imperfect lovers around the world, I am proud to announce that Sir Richard’s embraces us with open arms, offering a one-month free subscription for anyone who fails to qualify to purchase “Help I’m Horny” condoms.”