Join us as we follow one man’s journey through the windblown plains of joblessness. Meet Todd Beeby, a creative director recently laid off from Leo Burnett.
[NOTE: All uses of the words ‘douchenozzle’ and ‘f*cktard’ have been removed from the following post as they are registered trademarks of AdScam/The Horror’s George Parker.]Most of us have been on both sides of that rip-roaring good time we call ‘Layoff Day.’ We’ve gotten the call into the Executive Office ‘just to chat’, then packed up our boxes to be escorted out of the building by security. We’ve also been the people who stay on, feeling smugly irreplaceable yet guilty as our dejected and scared friends/colleagues walk out the door.
Having been through a total of 7 rounds of layoffs over the years and finally suffering the axe, I realize there are pros and cons for each side. Here are just a few:
FOR THE LAID OFF:
PROS
– So much time to update that resume (and to learn both ‘e’s get accent marks)
– Long lunches at Chuck E. Cheese’s
– Not having to listen to that one vapid blowhard ever again…yeah, THAT dude
– Not having to come up with the sixth round of print ad concepts for that comically idiotic client brand manager
CONS
– Not knowing what to do the next day (try blogging!)
– Hearing the following phrases ad nauseum: “You’ll be fine”, “Everything happens for a reason”, and “Get the hell off my doorstep”
– The uncomfortable silences after being asked, “So what do you do?”
– Forgetting when you last showered
FOR THOSE WHO STAY ON:
PROS
– Getting drunk that afternoon with coworkers and ex-colleagues at the closest bar and charging it to the company
– Knowing that after the bloodletting, management will do everything in their power to fix things so this doesn’t happen again
– Realizing you didn’t like the people who got laid off anyway
– More bagels for you on Bagel Day
CONS
– Remembering Bagel Day was phased out
– Knowing you have to kiss more ass than ever to keep your job
– Finding out that one blowhard (yeah, THAT dude) not only didn’t get the axe but he’s your new boss
– Having to come up with the sixth round of print ad concepts for that comically idiotic client brand manager
Just remember, no matter which side of the axe were on, it’s not the end of the world. The end of the world is finishing all five seasons of “The Wire” and realizing there won’t be any more.
SHOULD THE AXE SWING AGAIN:
We’re all hoping the deep cuts of Q1 ’09 were the last of it, but if not, here at ‘Helpful Corner’ we’re offering a few tips-n-tricks should the worst happen to you:
– The day of the layoffs-and you’ll taste them in the air-go to the bar immediately and start drinking (let THEM come find YOU)
– Do NOT sign your separation papers immediately (say you need to run them by the lawyer you don’t have)
– Attempt to negotiate for more severance (the bargaining tactic of tears will not help at this juncture)
– Ensure you’re getting the COBRA subsidy paid for by your company as a result of the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act signed into law in February–it requires companies to pay 65% of your COBRA premium for up to nine months so it’ll save you a couple grand (feel free to use tears here and tell them you/your wife are/is pregnant)
NEXT UP:
– I Think I’ll Go With the ‘Lean Pocket’ Today
– So You’re Still Asking Yourself, “How Can I Help Todd?”
– How Many Emails to That Agency Recruiter is TOO Many Emails?
By Todd Beeby is an “Under-Utilized” Copywriter/CD based in NYC. If you would like to reach out to Todd, you can connect with him here.