Sportswriters Chronicle the Agony of Super Bowl Opening Night

Counting the seconds at Houston's Minute Maid Park

It’s tough when the NFL Network turns the basic tenets of a journalism profession into three hours of televised mockery, selling tickets to fans for $20 a pop and credentialing an Austrian TV reporter in a dress.

CBS Sports national correspondent Bill Reiter writes what was once known as Media Day has most definitely jumped the shark. He entertainingly spends most of his piece applying a “Media Day Translator” to comments uttered by athletes, coaches and team owners. Here’s a sample:

Tom Brady was forced on stage between each team’s media sessions with rival QB Matt Ryan and asked what advice he’d give his opponent. Both men looked pained.

What he said: “Matt doesn’t need my advice. He’s doing just fine by himself.”

What he meant: “That is the single dumbest question I’ve ever heard. What advice do I have? How about, ‘Get ready for a beatdown.'”

Meanwhile, Providence Journal reporter Kevin McNamara in his summary can’t even bring himself to mention the name of a certain Jimmy Kimmel Live sidekick (Guillermo). The headline of his piece reads, “Sure Glad Super Bowl Opening Night Is Over; When’s the Game?:”

There was a Mexican man who carried around a soccer ball, asked awful questions, drew laughs and had players sign his ball. Here’s how his back-and-forth unfolded with the Patriots’ Rob Ninkovich:

What does Tom Brady smell like?

“Cologne, Tom Ford,” Ninkovich answered.

What’s your favorite fruit?

“Strawberries.”

Who’s the funniest guy on the Patriots?

“Probably Gronk (Rob Gronkowski) and he doesn’t even try to be. He’s just Gronk. He’s hilarious.”

The recent transformation of Media Day into an evening prime-time event has apparently even failed to amp up the outrageousness. Houston-based AP sportswriter Kristie Rieken thinks edition LI was tamer than previous years. This despite Kel Mitchell dressed as Ed from the 1997 movie Good Burger, asking Patriots tight end Martellus Bennett about a “black unicorn” being the athlete’s spirit animal.