Sean Parker Understands Nothing About Social Media He Helped to Create

By Phi Tran 

Sean Parker’s Tolkienesque-length novel on TechCrunch defending his lavish Lord of the Rings-themed wedding is just as absurd as the wedding itself – devoid of any genuine admission of responsibility while blaming lack of journalistic integrity on the state of media he helped to create.

The founding president of Facebook pointed out that:

I have been one of the greatest individual beneficiaries of this seismic shift in media. I have made, quite literally, “a billion dollars,” which, as I’m constantly reminded by the media, is “cool.” But I’m the first to admit that this shift away from a centralized, top-down media towards a decentralized bottom-up media did not come without a cost.

At what cost? Unfortunately, Parker’s not talking about the state of rising income inequality and general lack of employment outside of technology. He’s merely frustrated with the nature of the social beast now that it is being used against him: the “lynching,” “crucifixion,” and “sort of angry invective normally reserved for the genocidal dictators.”

Sean Parker thinks he did the forest a favor – he had paid for “all of the greenery you see in our photos, the ferns and other plants, had to be brought into the site, by us, in order to recreate the look of an undisturbed redwood forest, which this forest was decidedly not.”  He just wanted to have a wedding that was “spiritual, though not overtly religious. Everyone is familiar with man-made cathedrals, but there is another kind of cathedral, built by God.” Except God’s cathedral didn’t have a bridge so he built one… after bringing in all of those ferns and “other plants” to make it a Sean-made cathedral.

We are digressing… The Social Network has already caricatured him as a “morally reprehensible ‘brogrammer’ douchebag. I had been mythologized,” said real-life Sean Parker, who evidently had forgotten he was writing about the redwoods he’s accused of molesting. But enough about Sean Parker, who just can’t stop talking about himself. Let’s get back to real, important things, like social media and how it has been misbehaving.

A kind of mob mentality reigns supreme in the unrestricted, uncivilized world of social media: whether it is found on Facebook, on Twitter, in blogs, or even in the remnants of traditional journalism, where the old guard is now forced to compete with the instantaneous news cycle of the “real-time web” and the blogosphere.

So do you hear that, dear readers? We’re all a bunch of mobsters. And Sean Parker?

… I began to realize that myths are stories that have a life of their own, stories so good that people keep telling and re-telling them, even if they’re not true. I suppose the myth that was created about me was too good of a story for people, including the media, to stop telling it. This myth about me lives on in spite of me, and after I’m gone, it may even live on without me.

Me almost rhymes with myth, right?

Silly Sean Parker, the myth lives on because you published it on TechCrunch! Also, please stop talking about yourself, don’t you know that stuff belongs on Facebook? Let’s just get to the ironic bit where Sean Parker shares his genius vision for how social media should evolve: focus more on privacy issues. You know, something no one in the blogosphere ever talked about before. Extensively. Anywhere. Ever.